Well I conceived after the first month of trying in September. It happened so fast that I just knew something would go wrong; it was too easy. I even told my doctor that. And a few days later I miscarried at 5w in early October and was devestated. Losing your first pregnancy, even so early, changes the entire experience for you. 

I got my AF on 11/8 and we were planning on waiting one more cycle before officially TTC when I got a BFP again on 12/15. It was a very different this time. I was not excited at all. Didn't even tell my husband for a couple days and 3 tests later because I just didn't believe it and kept waiting for my period.

The first few days I was so anxious and waiting for the bleeding to start. Every time I went to the bathroom I'd wait to see blood. Every twinge made me stress. I made a doctor's appointment for 1/23 when I should be around 9w. I told myself that if I make it to my appointment without miscarrying then I can let myself believe this may happen and finally get excited. 

It's been 2 weeks since my BFP and I just passed the time I miscarried last time. So that has been a bit of relief. I am also totally having symptoms which I had absolutely none last time except my missed AF. I am so bloated and gassy. I have lots of heartburn and indigestion. I have been either constipated or having diarrhea. And this week the morning sickness has kicked in a lot (certain foods and smells make me sick to my stomach). It has not been fun. 

But all this gives me hope that maybe this time will be different. Maybe this time I won't miscarry. I want to make it to my appointment and I want the ultrasound to tell me everything is okay. I want to get through the first trimester so I can enjoy being pregnant and look forward to having our baby and finally becoming a mother. 

This is not what I thought pregnancy would be like. I'm scared of everything. And I hate not having any control over what is happening inside me. I wish I had some reassurance that everything will be okay.