We Couldn't Have Done Anything Different

We found out we were pregnant on July 23rd, 2013. That seems like a lifetime ago. Every day for the 247 days after we spent thinking about, dreaming of, and preparing for the arrival of our son Hayden. pregnancy lasts a really long time now that I look back, it is for that reason it’s not only a baby I lost but almost a full year of my life spent nesting for one. The body of a woman is an incredible thing and mine changed dramatically. At only 5″2 with little legs and feet I carried a GIANT belly, my bones shifted and ached keeping me up at night, my throat burned from the constant acid re-flux I experienced. I started negotiating with myself the importance of picking up objects I dropped because bending over would take a substantially long time to recover from. All of these changes and pains worth it and even comical and the butt of many jokes because we were awaiting our first child and he would become the joy and responsibility we both longed for.

Nothing in this world could have prepared me for this. There was no indication that anything would happen to change our near future and to rupture our dreams of holding our perfect and living son in our arms by the arrival of spring. We attended prenatal classes weekly for 10 weeks and not once was there a fear instilled to the possibility of stillbirth, I researched everything I could on delivering a baby to prepare myself and nothing scared me, my doctors’ appointments were perfect and healthy and gave no preparation for the possibility of my baby being born dead. It was completely and utterly out of the question. I even remember skimming through one of my childbirth books in my last few weeks of pregnancy looking over the examples of birth plans. There was a page that allowed you to indicate your wishes should your baby not make it and I DISTINCTIVELY remember turning the page without a second thought on the subject.