Will She Be Forgotten?

I thought he had forgotten as I opened the Mother’s Day present this past May while at brunch.  There inside was a beautiful blue sapphire necklace. Running my fingertips over the slender smooth silver chain I said thank you and asked my husband, “Why a blue sapphire?”

Proud of his purchase he replied, “It’s Zoe’s birthstone.”

Turning to look at our sweet 8 week old rainbow baby sleeping soundly in her car seat at the table, a sad obliged smirk quickly came and went upon my face. Tears began forming in my eyes but I held them back as I thought to myself, “Where is Nora’s birthstone on this necklace? Why is her name missing from this card? Have you forgotten about our daughter that died just 15 months ago?”

Instead of screaming these words at my loving husband who sat next to me at our beautiful Mother’s Day Brunch I simply smiled again and said, “I love it! Can you help me put it on?”

And I did love it. I mean I do love it as I am wearing it now as I write this. It’s a reminder that I birthed yet another beautiful baby girl into this world and I should have a memento of just hers to cherish as I do her older sister. But at the same time I hated it. I hated the fact that Nora is not somehow represented on that chain. I hate the fact that he forgot to put her name in the card just like my parents forgot to in the card that I had received the day before from them. “Happy Mother’s Day honey! We are so proud of you for being Zoe’s mom.” But I’m not just Zoe’s mom; I’m Nora’s mom too!

It seemed as though another fear of mine was coming true. She had been forgotten, replaced. Overshadowed by the living, breathing, child that came after her. No one, not even those closest to me that had lost her too seemed as if they wanted to remember her. My heart was shattered, ripped out of my chest and broken into pieces again. I thought that somehow this thing called grief would get easier. I guess some days are, but those days ill prepare you for and make you foolishly think that all days will be better. Boy was I wrong. Moments like this one just seem to add salt to a wound that will just never close.

But if I’m being honest, my greatest fear was that I would forget Nora too. That somehow among raising my Rainbow, memories of Nora would fade away along with the love. I mean how can one not get caught up in the moments of life that need our attention when we have living children? They need to eat, be changed, taken to daycare, dinner needs to be made, chores need to be done, vacations to be planned, birthdays to be celebrated, meetings to attend, and so the act of living must go on. With so much to do, it seems easy to forget her, not intentionally, but slowly as she slips into the background of this theatrical stage called life.