Should I Move??
I've been wanting to move to Florida for as long as I can remember. Even as a little girl I dreamed of moving to Florida.
I was born in Florida to a teenage mom who placed me for adoption. However, my heart never fully came here. I'm always cold, even on hot days. I'm Haitian and Jamaican and those that say "you're acclimated to the weather here because you've been here your whole life," are a crock of .... I just need SOME newness in my life. I've cut off a LOT of people recently. Like I'm preparing to move. All the naysayers, the doubters, the rude ones, they're out!! The people who just use me for their own self gratificatio, they're out. No more. Not very many of them but still I'm DONE with the negativity. I NEED and CRAVE some positivity these days and want and need it for the rest of my life.
On May 30th, 2011. Memorial Day. My five and a half year old daughter died as a result of an automobile accident. I was driving the car. It was the first and only accident I EVER caused and she died as a result of it. I was only changing a CD not paying attention to the car, with no taillights, stopping in front of me on the highway, it was too late. My now five, then 16 months, daughter was in the vehicle as well. My oldest had not a mark on her (my youngest had a seatbelt burn on her neck 😭😭) and doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with her besides a collapsed lung until the pediatric cardiologist opened her little chest. 😭😭. 48 hours before that, my Mommy (adopted never met my bio) had just died from a long time (5 year) battle with breast, lung, and then being diagnosed in January (24, 2011) with terminal brain cancer. She passed 4 months and 4 days after her diagnosis on May 28, 2011.
So you see a glimpse into the pain I've been carrying for the last 4 years as well as the abandonment of my youngest daughter's father (she's only met him twice. Both on my dime) for the last six years. Im sure many of you are screaming "GIRL!! Go start over with your new little family. Your daughters and Mom WANT and NEED you to be happy!!" I just feel guilty being happy while my oldest is gone. Like I'm celebrating life without her and she's looking down sad. (Maybe other Mommy's of lost babies can help me get over this one. Because I KNOW I need to for my youngest sake).
If I go to Florida I'll be back working in the medical field again. What I did for ten years before I started teaching, again, over a year ago. The medical field doesn't scare me. After all that sadness I ran from it, in a sense, because of the tragedies of 2011. Medical is sad. People don't come to the doctor/hospital/Operating Rooms because they feel amazing. 😕. They come because they feel like crud and want you to help them feel better. There's a reward in it in the end. I just couldn't see past the sadness. But now I have FIVE degrees-3/certifications-2 to sit on (mainly in medical) so its blessing to have a variety to choose from.
So the question ... should I go ahead and move to Florida?? Find my happiness along the beach when I get down (instead of burying my face in a bowl of icecream during the cold Michigan winter)?? (One of my FAVORITE spots to find my happiness again and relax - the beach).
Or should I stay put?? I've already got a job I LOVE, even if it is getting up at 4am and am renting (until October) so I have a place to live (that will soon be too expensive - hence having to move regardless).
Help me!!!! Leave a comment if you're a Mommy of a lost baby or if you have some great advice, prayers, luck, ha. Anything!! Thank you in advance for taking time to read this and support me. That's exactly what you're doing and you are SOOOO amazing girls!! I love you for it!! You're helping to set the path for my five year old (yes crazy on June 17th she'll be the same age my oldest was when she passed) and my life. For the rest of our lives. Because if I go to Florida. I'll rent for a year and then buy!! Homeownership another "pro" to add to my list!!
(I only have two girls. One on earth 🌎 on in heaven 🌌 if that got confusing for anyone.)
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