AM I WRONG???!

Question

I had a miscarriage in July 2014, my due date was 2/16/15. So the grief and pain is very much still fresh & raw. My SO is a twin and his twins gf is 6 months pregnant. I love her and we are very close she is very understanding about my MC. However her baby shower is coming up in June and though we are close I told her I will not be attending & will still get gifts but not be there. She completely understands. There are underlying issues she is having the first grand daughter of the family and the family praises and adores her. Some family member don't care for me which doesn't bother me. But my SO is being what I consider insensitive he wants me to attend knowing I am super sensitive about the issue. He said I think the world revolves around me because if I was a real friend I would go even if my feelings are hurt. Am I in the wrong for not attending or should I "suck it up" ?

Answer

I've had a miscarriage...but it seems I'm in the minority with my feelings...i don't think it's losing a baby has anything to do with another person having a baby. I am still so so happy for my friends who are pregnant/New moms. I attended a baby shower two days after my miscarriage...but again i don't see any connection to me losing a baby and my friend having a baby, two different people two different babies.  But everyone is different, if you can't go then you can't go.

Answer

I am very sorry for your loss. I too have suffered a miscarriage, it was a mmc near the end of my first trimester and I had to have a D&C.  Please don't take this as being insensitive but I do think you should try and go. When I found out my baby had died my best friend gave birth a few days later. It was very hard but I went and was there for the birth and a few hours after as I had promised I would. It was so hard because at that time my baby had died but it was two days before the D&C.  I couldn't talk to anyone about it as it was her joyous occasion. So I get how hard it is to be there to celebrate someone else's baby but sometimes we have to suck it up. I mean that in the nicest way, it won't be easy but try to be there for your sister in-law. I'm sure when you have your rainbow baby she will be there for you.

Answer

I started going to therapy after my second MC because I was struggling with similar things and everyone around me getting pregnant. Two months after I started therapy I threw one of my best friends a baby shower and didn't have a problem with it. I'm not saying it works for everyone, but since she is family therapy might be worth a try. Good luck!

Answer

I don't think so. As long as she understands and is ok with it, I wouldn't burden yourself further. At least you've been honest with her about it.

Answer

If she is okay with it, it is your decision ! But later on you might regret not going, but again, don't listen to ppl who don't know what you are going through !

Answer

As long as you aren't being mean or rude to her, I definitely don't think your presence is required at her shower if she is aware of the reason.

Answer

I miscarried late at 16 weeks  before i had my son and couldn't return to work as a childcare provider not to mention 2 other co workers were pregnant. Men are different than us and don't necessarily hold as much emotion to certain things. With that said i think you may regret it later if you don't go. I say  TRY.. and see how it goes.  You may have such overwhelming joy for her it may be a great distraction for your day (lord knows distraction is necessary). If you can't, Excuse yourself and go home. :)

Answer

Its not that your feelings are hurt. I had a friend go to a baby shower a couple months after she miscarried. She sat there  crying the whole shower. I felt bad for her. It hurt her to be there. It also brought the guests down too. Oohing and ahhing over baby clothes with a lady crying is just not a boost for a party. If it is too much for you, don't go. Your SO is the one being insensitive and unsupportive. Not you. She doesn't have hard feelings about you not attending and it is not rude to be missing. Perhaps you could just get the '24 hr flu' that day or something. You know? Make sure she knows you are not coming but let those who are being odd about it assume you are coming.

Answer

I don't think you are being selfish. I know how hard it can be. I think you may later regret not going. But as long as she understands and this is what you know you need right now, you should do what is best for you to heal.

Answer

You can only do what you can do. But you also need to heal. Perhaps sharing in such a special day with such a special person will start that healing process. It will mean the world to them, and you will be able to say you never missed a moment of your Granddaughter's life. I say try to suck it up, even if only for an hour.

AM I WRONG???!

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