Okay so I seem to be troubled by something. It might end up being a bit too long but that’s necessary to make you understand. I have to say that I think a lot about this kind of things, so plase read everything it will help me a lot. Here it is.

I have a friend who is a girl, lets call her L. We are very close and sometime last year a guy (lets call him P) told her he liked her and asked her out. She had him very deep in the fiendzone so she rejected him. The guy kept trying and asking for about 9 months and she kept saying no simply because she did not find him attractive.

I started talking to P about his relationship with L to help L and also because I like gossip. In August of last year I was at a party and decided to approach him and ask him to tell me everything that had happened with L since the start. The point is we talked for about two hours and we agreed that on Monday (during school) I would tell him something I knew about L. I liked talking to him because I liked him in the way of a friend and it was something new.

On Monday neither approached one another because I had regretted telling him about that "secret" its important to say that I was a little drunk on the party (part of what gave me the courage to go and talk to him). These days were weird because we are in the same class, we dont sit together but we were around, you know? Well, on Wednesday we started talking "small talk" because we had a project together and he told me that there was something I must tell him. I was like fuck. So at the end of that day I told him what it was which was actually pretty insignificant.

And, he was like: okay, whatever. But he kept trying to go out with her a couple of times. She still said no.

So P and me had become friendly, he always called my name as in joke when I passed by and I did the same. But, we didn’t really have much conversation. Of course, I analyzed every single detail and I always had him present. I think I started to have a crush on him, because I became nervous when he talked to me. But, that might be because he was a guy or maybe it was because it was him. FYI: I don’t have many guy-friends, thats why I thought it might be due to the fact that he was a guy.

Then we went on a camp and it was great. We slept on tents on the beach and some slept outside. On the second night, he shared his sleeping bag with me and a couple of friends while we were watching the sky before going to sleep. The sky was very beautiful and I was like “I really don’t want to go to sleep to the tent with such a beautiful sky”, so I didn’t but my friends did. So I stayed with P and we covered ourselves with my sleeping bag so that it wouldn’t get sand on it. I have to accept that that was a bit weird and the worst part is I didn’t know what he thought about it. For me it was a pretty big deal but it was also weird, it was a big YOLO moment. Then we went back and we talked a little in the airport.

When L, who is no longer at my school, found out she was surprised. And then my friends started to joke about me and P. They said that we fitted and that we should go out. I honestly had been thinking about it and I even thought that in the case he asked me out I would say yes, but I didn’t say that to my friends. Although, I think they might still suspect it, I acted pretty well. I didn’t tell them for two reasons. First because I didn’t want to risk him not asking me out or him finding out that I wanted him to, and partly because I felt weird with L because like she was the one who P had asked out first. What happened when the jokes were getting intense was that I got angry at them and I very seroiusly told all of them to stop. And, they did, but they still think about it I guess. Whatever that’s not important.

More than once, I have catched myself thining about P and how would it be if we went out or something. I hate that, but it happens and its very hard for me to not think about him. In class I always know where he is; I don’t watch him (that would be creepy) but I’m always aware of his presence. What does that mean? That feeling, thank god, is much less intense now, but it’s still there.

About a month ago, P asked another friend of mine out, lets call her A. P and A are very good friends and again, he fell for her. She, again, said no because she didn't see him that way. This was clear for me that he doesnt have a crush on me. And I no longer have one on him. After i found out that he had been rejected again, I texted him to see if he was okay and he said he was.

Now, I have to accept that I am a bit bothered by the sudden relationship that MJ (a girl friend) has with P. They are like really good friends and have inner jokes, but its so weird because it was all of a sudden. That is a very friendzone relationship for her, but I cant help but think about it.

My realtionship with P I guess is okay, but it could be better. We usually talk once in a while, but I feel its a weird relationship because I feel that I always or almost always start the conversation. And when I start it I usually plan it. I think the hardest thing for both of u is “break the ice” but since he is a guy I don’t know how to react. Sometimes the conversation starts with another friend called F who is also P’s best friend. So, when she’s around it is always easier to talk. The thing is that I don’t know if I should push more for us to be better friends or if that is pushing it. Maybe I should just make no effort and wait for him to speak to me, but that might mean that we never talk. I just want to know if he’s interested. And, since I had a little bit of a crush on him and that is not good, I don’t know what to do, what do you say? And, what if I push too hard to be friends and people or, even worse, he, thinks that I have a crush on him (which might be true)?; I cannot tell him, because obviously I would have done that before writing basically this enormous essay.

Another issue is that P is a somewhat feminine guy and I think that’s the reason why he is friends with so many girls. So what if he asked me out and I said yes, would that be weird because two of my friends previously rejected him? But, that only makes it worse because I don’t know what we are, I guess we are friends or we are friendly. As you can see, I think too much. If I contradict myself forgive me, but that is how my mind works. I don’t honesly want to go out with him, maybe it was just my imagination talking. The truth is I don’t know what I want, and that is really hard. Ive been trying to solve this on my own but now I need another point of view. Its been a really long time and I just want this to be over. I think the best would be for us to become friends without me feeling anything more, or maybe becoming something more but the second option is a little difficult since physically I don’t find him attractive, or do I? I really hope you can help me please! And sorry for making this too long.

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