Trauma

When I was a child I was molested by my sister who was three years older than me. She used whatever she could find: hair brushes, paint brushes , ect. My parents never knew and still don't know to this day. I'm 20 years old now. my older sister and I get along fine now (we have never talked about it since the day she stopped)  but sometimes I wonder why and how she could do that to the baby sister she was supposed to protect. I wonder if it affects her like it affect me... When I got older I was raped by four of my teammates. I have suffered with self worth and struggled with suicide. I don't know how to make it better or make it go away. I struggle having sex sometimes with my fiancé and he knows why and I feel bad but he tells me not to worry. That he understands and hold me while I cry. The smell and taste and eary feeling comes back.. I hate it.. I need help and idk how to get it