Almost 6 years &still no luck!! Is something wrong with me!?
Im new to Glow so first let me introduce myself &tell me story..
My name is Ashley but known as Nikki &i am 23 years of age. I got pregnant at the age of 17 with a beautiful babyboy Carte' Joenathan Diaz who unfortunately is not with me today. He was born stillborn on November 21, 2009. His father &i had the worst relationship &i blame both him &myself for my son not being here physically. I say that because i stressed every single day of my pregnancy &i feel that played a big part in why my son didn't make it. His father cheated, lied, etc. I probably only saw him about 3 or 4 times during my entire pregnancy &i really needed him especially because my mother was going through a really tough time being in &out of the hospital not knowing if she would be here for the birth of my baby. Starting at 1 1/2 months up till 6 months i could not keep a single food or drink down &at 5 months i found out he was only going to have 1 kidney. After my 6th month things were somewhat looking a little brighter for me though his father was still not around. My due date was November 26 which was also Thanksgiving. I had my last (which was supposed to be 2nd to the last) appointment on Monday the 16th of November &everything looked great. His heartbeat sounded strong &i was dilated 1 1/2 cm. Though i was a bit stressed that he would be born before my baby shower which was scheduled for the 22nd of that month only because i had NOTHING ready for him. So i hoped &prayed that he would wait to come out at least till the day after my baby shower BUT then came Wednesday the 18th that week &i started having some cramps while i was in school. I thought maybe i was just over doing my physical activities so i confronted my mother about it. She explained that my body was just getting ready for labor so being that she's been through it i took her advice &just tried to relax. Then came Thursday the 19th &still i was cramping &i told her again but she said the same thing &that i needed to get off of my feet &just relax. Something didn't feel right but she felt it wasn't necessary to go to the hospital because my cramps which ended up being contractions were very far apart. SO..then came Friday the 20th. I was in such brutal pain &could barely walk the halls, not to mention 3 stories of stairs UGH IT WAS HELL!! Finally i couldn't take the pain any longer so i left school early. I was getting ready to go to the hospital but then my grandfather &a close family friend stopped by my home &gave me gift cards &cash for my baby &i couldn't help it but rush to the stores &buy him clothes, bottles, blankets, etc. His theme was monkeys so i went all out &ended up with 5-6 huge bags of stuff for him. The pain had calmed down so i put the hospital on hold thinking maybe i would be okay. Let me remind yall i was young &had no clue that contractions don't stop once they already started. I went out to eat with my family a few hrs later &ended up leaving in the middle of dinner because the pain began once again. Finally we were on our way to the hospital &all i could think about was if he was okay. I was excited but scared to death at the same time &could not control my emotions. I was taken in right away by 2 nurses who began to do paperwork with me &hook up the monitors for contractions &of course his heartbeat. For about 20-30 minutes they had me flipping side to side &pushed my stomach every way they could trying to find his heartbeat but after the first 10 minutes i knew something had to be wrong which i had already figured earlier that day but i kept my faith &just prayed that their monitors were out of wack. Though they switched it out 3 times so after the 3rd time they sent me to do an emergency ultrasound &as i looked at the little screen i saw he wasn't moving &there was no heartbeat. They didn't tell me anything right there &then but i knew he was gone. I cried &cried anxiously waiting for the results until finally a doctor came to try &do another ultrasound &still no changes &that's when he told me my son was no longer alive. My heart broke into a million pieces when those words came out of his mouth. I was going crazy &begging him to do everything &anything he could to save my babyboy's life but there was nothing he could do. They had me go through the labor &push him out. Throughout that entire time all i could do was cry &ask why me WHY HIM just WHY!? At some moments i swear i felt as if he were moving but it was all in my head. His father showed up for about an hour or 2 &then decided to leave because he was "tired". Come to find out he left to be with another girl, asshole. Finally it was time to push &at 8:13 am Saturday, November 21, 2009 my baby boy was out after 3 big pushes &10 hrs of labor 5lbs 6oz &18 in long. For about 2 hours i just didn't have the strength to carry him especially being on some heavy medications &i also refused to hold him only because it hurt so bad that he was not alive. After those hrs passed i finally came to my senses &grabbed my baby. Oh how beautiful my angel was. Light soft skin, gray eyes, little pudgy nose, head full of light brown tight curls, perky lips he was just so handsome &the sweetest of all. I couldn't stand the fact that his top half of his face was purple blueish from not getting any oxygen, he had a patch of skin missing on his chest &his skull on top by his soft spot was cracked from ear to ear. They never told me why it was like that &even after they did an autopsy on him they had no explanation of what could have caused his death. Up till this day i have no answers nor his birth or death certificate. So now that you all who are reading this know my story, i have some concerns in which i hope i can get some helpful opinions or suggestions. Since my angel passed, i have not been able to conceive &with him it only took me about 3-4 months to get pregnant. It's already going on 6 years &still no luck. After he passed, i stupidly stuck with his father up till Mother's Day 2011 &we had unprotected sex all the way till the end of our relationship but i never got pregnant again. After i ended my relationship with him, i met somebody &after a while that we were dating we started having unprotected sex &i never got pregnant with him either. Now i am in a relationship of 3 years with my amazing fiance &STILL NO BABY!! Let me note that i am not trying to get pregnant by every guy that has came into my life because that is not the case. Im just simply trying to explain that ever since my son has passed &i've had unprotected sex i never came out pregnant again. Im scared that maybe something might be wrong &could having a stillborn baby be the reason for infertility?? Also, ever since i had my son i've had the most f***ed up irregular periods &i always used to be on time before i got pregnant. Im anxiously waiting for the day i become a mother again &it's killing me having false pregnancy tests one after another. I understand stressing myself out won't help but i can't help it, my fiance &i love babies &are dedicated to having a big family but the process is a bitch lol. I need help &a peace of mind!!