I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this. I'm not looking for someone to tell me what to do, I'm just looking to get all of this out there and maybe hear somethings to consider and help inform my decision. If you're just going to judge me or be rude, please get out. I'd also prefer if you refrain from suggesting adoption, as I've already decided i can't disrupt my life and health and career if I'm not going to keep it.

Last year my doctor told me I couldn't get pregnant without treatments to make me ovulate, and even then who knew. This information led to my SO and I not using protection anymore. I was devastated by this news as the only true dream I've ever had was to be a mom. I never really cared what I did for a living, I just wanted to have babies.

In the past few months my relationship has deteriorated. A few things have happened, but a lot of it was due to my being unable to let go of him previously cheating on me and beating me. My feelings had started to dwindle and I often thought and talked about leaving, but I could never get the courage. On top of currently living with my boyfriend and being financially dependent on him, I've always held out hope we could have a happy ending. He quit hitting me, most the time I believe he quit cheating as well.

Then I turned up pregnant. I'm 11 weeks along now. He's ecstatic and sometimes I am too, but sometimes I wish I wasn't. Sometimes I wish something would happen to it. Yeah I know that's horrible. I'm only twenty and he's twenty one. Our lives are just getting started and now if I have this baby I will always be tied to it and him. I'll have to take a lot of time out from my job if I continue with the pregnancy, and it could affect my career ideas I was planning on pursuing. The main thing that is keeping me from wanting to have this child is knowing I'll always have my SO in my life, no matter what ends uo happening with us. I'll always have to talk to him, see him and include him in a lot of my decisions. I'll have to allow his influence on my child, and I'm just not sure that's what I want. I don't think he'd ever hurt it or anything, there's just too many characteristics in him that I would hate to see rub off on it. I hate his family, they're all selfish, lying drug addicts that I would never trust my child alone with.

Sometimes I think we can work things out, that we could communicate better and have a healthy relationship. He's suggested couple's counseling, but at this point I'm not sure I want to put in the effort to fix this.

I don't think now is a good time for me to have a child, even if I want it. At the same time, I feel like I should be more grateful that I can have children and to throw that away would be like spitting in someone's face. I know if I have an abortion and later in life I can't get pregnant, I'll hate myself. I'm just so torn and I have no one to turn to for guidance. I can barely talk to myself about it because any time I think about it I cry.