Not wanting baby yet

I had a baby in April and she passed away after birth. I'm ok with trying again it will be hard but I want to be a mom. My SO is not ready. We don't have sex as often because he's scared it will happen again. But when we do he cums in me. I am on the pill but I was last time I was pregnant. I got sick and threw up my pill. I've tried talking to him because I would feel terrible if I got pregnant but I would also be super delighted. He knows the consequences of cuming in me. I don't know I guess this is more of a vent.