Self hate

I am currently at my heaviest, 290 lbs, and I hate myself. I had a really terrible childhood filled with mental, physical and mental abuse. I've battled clinical depression, anxiety and hypothyroidism since I was a pre teen. NO matter how often I say that I am okay, I am not. Self mutilation was how I got by for a couple years and then I told myself I forgave all the people who wronged me and food became my best friend. I.have tried eating healthy, working out getting more sleep everything short of doing diet pills. Nothing is helping lose this weight. My panic attacks are getting so bad that my doctor thinks they are repressed memories coming to the surface. My blood levels are normal and the dosages on the medication I do take are correct. I need to lose weight so that this pain will stop.