So since I've been married I've always wondered when would I be honored with motherhood. It hasn't been too long since we've actually been together so I can't overlook the fact that we actually made it this far (3 years married...1 year together). I must say if you believe then possibly it can surely happen but I feel that maybe I've used up my cards. To me it's more than just having a baby, being a mother or building a family. Its more than just carrying a story to other generations to inherit genes from myself and my SO combining years of history. We haven't really been actively trying from the time we got married but we definitely are not preventing. Its been a couple months since he's agree it's time we'll slowly start...he knows how much it means to me to carry on our lives and rebuild with our children. A gift from God a true mercy and blessing. I get so worried that maybe motherhood was not meant for me, written in my destiny. I end up self diagnosing myself with chronic illnesses, possible diseases and think what could be wrong with me. I pray day and night hoping that He answers my prayers cause it's all I've ever dreamed of...being a wife and a mother has so much more depth. I get discouraged at times by things that are said, feeling like I'm trying to hard to win for something that..."will happen when it happens". Its like they've forgotten how it felt to yearn for that blessing, a baby of their own, a piece of their identity. I've promised myself that if it's not good for me that God gives me courage to still be thankful and acknowledge his mercy and that if it is good for me that he gives me the patience to endure and keep trying trusting that his blessing is just around the corner. I hope so God willing