He punched me

My husband is an abusive man emotionally and verbally. I'm finally getting fed up of him cussing me out and pushing me so I've been pushing lately... Last night I slammed the door to get away from his cussing me out and he went in and hit me in the face as hard as he could with a pillow once he did that I followed him crying asking why. He kept cussing me out so I said I hated him and the way he treated me. He then poured his cup of juice on my back so I went to go pack somethings to stay away for the night and he followed me cussing me out and getting in my face so I threw my hand at him and it scratched his ear so he then backed me into the wall and punched my arm hard. He said he would call the cops because I tried to hit him and then he saw my arm and did not because of what he had done. I know some women who keep hitting their husbands get hit. My husband does mma and is a big man.. I know that doesn't matter since I hit at him first but how do I get over the fact he bruised my arm? He's thrown me into cabinets and walls but never punched me.. Is it my fault? Should I be submissive and listen to him cuss me out and not get attitudes? What do I do? I don't want to leave again .