So this post is going to "ruffle some feathers" because unfortunately we live in a society where these things are "taboo" or simply just to difficult to discuss. So I'm just going to say the dreaded word. Infertility, holy heck, I said it. I'm about to expose myself in the rawest way but dang it felt good to type that. If you can stomach that word I guess you should keep reading because what I have to say it isn't at all going to be unfiltered. Infertility, yeah I said it again, it sucks dude. It just, sucks. I have no idea why we keep it such a secret, considering 1 out of 8 couples struggle with it. I mean we talk about Cancer, Abortions, Diabetes, Digestive disorders, Coronary issues, Mental diseases, but why in the World are things like miscarriage and infertility an issue? Well Hello World, I'm a Mom of 2 viable littles, 3 in heaven, and feeling barron. I don't talk about it, because the World has labeled my loss and grief as a failure. No one really even knows. It's even going to come as a shocker to some of my family. I'm tired of being told I could only tell part of my story. I'm a Mom of 5, I have 2 that I love more than my own existence and we are impatiently waiting on #6. Now that I've got the dirty laundry on the line, I know I'm not alone. In 2 weeks it makes the year mark. My cut off line where I'm "officially" infertile by definition. I don't say It proudly, I assure you. Everyday I wake up to my newsfeed and see someone else is pregnant. Posting ultrasounds and new born pictures. I run into people and they say random things like "you aren't on #3 yet?" "When it's supposed to happen it will" "have you tried(blah blah blah)... etc?" "Stop trying and it's going to happen!" "You have so much going on in your life and you already have two why I are you even thinking about more?" Oh, just hush. Seriously, just hush. its a tragedy when we find out we aren't. It's a kind of loss you feel in your bones. It's the loss of a dream. A loss of an assumed hopeful future. Just like every loss we encounter, we have to grieve it and for the past year it's been every month. You wind up being a little bit of half agony, and half hope. So when you see that post on Facebook, or get that text, that phone call, saying "we're pregnant!" Know I am so happy for you. I'm happy to see that ultrasound picture, that I love buying clothes for your little, and when he or she gets here I can't wait to hold that little life or drool over its pictures. My littlest little is 7, I've waited a long time to do that again. I love you, I love you both, More than you know. But it breaks me. It's a constant reminder of my failure and how my body has failed me and my husband. Don't ever stop sharing them, I love them. It's just sometimes I can't react appropriate because while you're celebrating life, it causes me to once again grieve a life I don't have. It makes it very complicated for me. You just get to be happy. I am happy for you, but I grieve my loss, and find enough hope to try again and be happy for you....it's an agonizing journey. I've done a lot of hard things, really great things, I've overcome great adversity, but this pushes my strength. I cry, I scream, I put my face in the pillow and plead with God, I feel like everyday I'm peeing on some form of a stick to see if I'm ovulating or pregnant. I'm not going to be ashamed or hide from the difficulty of infertility anymore. I hear my children ask me why they don't have a sibling yet, my husband cries with me when we get a big fat negative. But this is it. This is real. This is our life. We keep waiting and we are hopeful. And we have hope and faith that if it's in plan for us this life shall exist, and we are so damn ready for it. Little E.J (Emmett James or Evie Jane) we are ready. We are waiting for you.