So far...we're okay.

After 2 years of TTC, rounds of Chlomid and an IUI thankfully I am 8 weeks today. Had our first scan at 7w. Saw a healthy bean measuring ahead of schedule with a strong heartbeat.

3 years ago we lost our baby Elouise at 23 weeks gestation. It was the most heartwrenching thing I have ever been through. My body started labor and nothing could be done to stop it. I had to deliver her and watch her pass into the arms of the Lord. Then, go home with an empty womb and a broken heart. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Its soul changing. A piece of me died with her.

1 year after we had a miscarriage at 6 weeks.

Then we just couldn't get pregnant..i was convinced that it was my fault and perhaps God just didn't want me to be a mom. But why did I have such a strong yearning and need to be a mom? I felt that if I didn't procreate I wasn't a real woman. I felt i had no purpose.

But we kept trying. We powered on. I was engulfed in the "job" of getting pregnant. It was all I thought about. My spreadsheets would make your eyes cross. Then we opted for some help from a fertility doc. After almost a year of tests, drugs, exams and more tests. We were blessed with a positive result.

But for me that was just the first hurdle.

Words alone can not describe just how happy we are. We are over the moon!

But underneath...I am terrified. Everyday that passes I thank God that our bean made it another day.

But every morning I wake up with the fear that it could all end at any moment. Every time I pee ...I check. Expecting the worse at any second.

Every single twinge, twang, cramp, or gas pain...I get scared. Not just scared...terrified. to my core.

So to make a long response even longer....

You are not alone in this feeling. I just try to put faith in it all. I try to relax. "Try" being the main word. It's been tough..and I know it's just going to get tougher. But with everyday more we make it..it's one day closer to holding my child in my arms.

Hope it helps to know you're not alone.