I need help ladies. Let me begin by giving a (hopefully) brief background. My husband and I met almost 8 years ago thru a mutual friend. I feel in love with him at first sight, I was too shy to outright pursue him, and even tho we became very close friends and spent a lot of time together, he was always giving me mixed signals, so I never made a move. It was almost torturous having such strong feelings for him and never knowing how he truly felt about me. Many times he seemed like he reciprocated those feelings, but then he would leave me during difficult times to be with other women romantically, and it broke my heart. Eventually I tried to distance myself and ended up rushing into a horrible marriage to get away from my feelings. It was an abusive relationship, so I left after 8 months. The day I decided to leave my first husband was the day my current husband decided to tell me he loved me.

I have asked him so many times, what made you finally realize you had feelings for me? Because I needed validation after so many years of heartbreak. He always says he doesn't know, it just happened. Over the years I have realized that my husband does not communicate well. And he has a temper. Not one that I fear for my physical self or those of my kids, but he uses cruel words and actions, and can be set off by almost anything. Lately he has taken to being extremely grumpy and mean to me and the kids, the very moment he walks in the door from a hard day. His mood and attitude are poor, most of the time. I'm getting very tired of it.

But I can't express my feelings, because when I do I never get comfort or understanding, I always get met with anger. If he's grumpy and I try to be kind and help him, he gets angry. If he's grumpy and says something that hurts me and I cry, he gets angry. If I'm hurt by something else and I turn to him for comfort, he gets angry. And if I go out of my norm, and stand up for myself, call him out in his grumpiness, he gets really angry. And after any of these situations, he then turns right around and starts yelling at our 4 year old and 20 month old for stupid shit like breaking a toy, making a mess in the playroom, or not listening to him after he tells them something once 😒.

I've tried to get him to realize that toddlers don't have the capacity to be obedient for obedience sake, that it's up to us to be involved and teach them, and that if all he does is yell at them, they are not going to turn out well. He has been refusing for several months to do any family activities, because the things I try to take the kids to because they will enjoy them, don't interest my husband so he throws a fit and doesn't join us. Since I have been ill for the past year, and now am 5 weeks into a high risk pregnancy, I can't take the kids alone, so I'm always enlisting the help of my parents. And my DH is missing all of these moments.

Last night we had an enormous fight about these issues. I told him I didn't appreciate the way he treats me and the kids when he gets in these moods, and called him out on his absence and lack of help. Nothing I said was getting thru to him. His excuse is always the same, he works all day and is tired when he gets home so he doesn't want to do anything and being tired makes him grumpy. He generally implies that his days are infinitely harder than mine because he works and I don't. But he knows I already feel guilty that I've been too sick with a horrible disease for almost the last year that I truly couldn't hold a job, and it was his insistence that I don't even try until I'm cured. And despite the fact that most days I could barely move from pain, I still am the only one parenting 24/7 for two toddlers and doing my absolute best to try to keep up on the house, when my DH does NOTHING to help with housework. He doesn't even pick up after himself!

I always try to be as kind as possible, always. I'm forever apologizing for things I've done or not done. I'm consistently trying to help my DH with his trials, despite the fact I know there won't be reciprocation. So I didn't want to tell my husband that both of our children at separate times this week have come to me and told me that Dada is scary 😢 Oh how that breaks my heart! But nothing was getting thru to him so I thought that might shake him out of his headspace and make him realize his actions , so I told him. His reaction was to call our sons shitheads and brats, and that it just means they don't want to listen to him when he orders them to do something "a million times". I completely lost all of my composure, I started shaking and bawling, and screaming. Even writing this I can't come up with an adequate description of how devastating, heartbreaking, infuriating, and deeply, deeply hurtful hearing that come out of his mouth was for me.

At that point I didn't care about any of my original points or feelings anymore. I was terrified. I lost our last baby at 4w5d directly after I fight of equal magnitude my DH and I had after we had gone to a wedding of his family where he promised to dance with me, but instead left me alone for the whole evening while he got drunk with others. So when I felt myself becoming that uncontrollably upset I feared for our baby. I couldn't sleep for fear that I would wake up in a pool of blood again😢. Thankfully, that didn't happen. And before he went to sleep, my husband softened, and gave a blanket apology and told me he loved me. As grateful as I am for his kind words, I'm still reeling, and am having a hard time forgiving him. Because we didn't resolve anything did we? He can say he's sorry, and even tho it's rare for him to even say the words, that doesn't mean he's learned his lesson and he's going to try to be better. We have had the same fight for five years, it isn't his nature to think of others before himself, or to appreciate the positive things in his life. So that means I have to change right?

I realize this post is stupid long, so I don't expect many to read it. But if any of you do, could you tell me if you think there is hope that someday my husband will mature, and learn to appreciate his family? Any advice on how I can be helpful to this cause? Thanks ladies.