I adore you. I love you so much it feels like my heart might explode. I didn't know about you until I was 20 weeks pregnant so before then I was doing some pretty stupid things. Now you're here and you're healthy and I'm so grateful but I'm so guilty and I'm sad. I'm sad that I thought about giving you up and I'm sad that I thought I didn't want you. I feel guilty for almost destroying your life before you even had one. I look into your eyes and I cry, I wail and sob about how precious and beautiful you are, and I cry because I'm no good for you. I feel like such a horrible mother, like I'm a monster even now. I take care of you - feed you, hold you, rock you, change your diapers; everything - but I'm exhausted and I get frustrated and I just leave you to cry sometimes because I can't take it anymore. I only put you down for a minute and I always feel terrible and come fix it but that minute of putting you down gets me down. And the first night in the hospital I needed the nurses to take you for an hour, I couldn't handle it. Now your father doesn't think he can handle it because he couldn't get you to stop crying for 5 minutes. We're unfit parents, we're not old enough, just barely mature, and we get frustrated much too easily for an infant. Today your father practically tossed you at me because he couldn't take your crying and I am so angry with him for that! You can't help it, you aren't even a month old and you were just hungry. Thank goodness he'd never hurt you, neither of us would and now that I've calmed down a bit he wasn't rough with you at all, just quick about handing you off. He feels like he can't bond with you but I feel like he isn't even trying. I'm pumping for him, so he can feed you and bond better and for me, so I can have a little break and hopefully sleep longer than 20 minutes at a time. Though even if I get a chance to sleep I wake up from nightmares constantly but that isn't your fault, none of this is. I promise to be better; I'll get help for my depression and I'm working on my frustration already. We'll be good parents, we just need to get the hang of things.

Anyway darling, the only thing that matters is that your father and I love and adore you more than anything in the whole universe and nothing will ever change that.