Double sadness
I feel like I am grieving my baby in two different ways. I lost my baby at 20.3 weeks. It was a missed miscarriage and the baby had died three weeks earlier.
First is the loss of the future we wanted with our baby. This is the same as my partner is feeling. We where so happy and had time to make new plans for this new future together with our baby. My two older children where so happy for a much younger sibling and now all four of us is grieving the life we wanted with our baby
Then there is the grief that is only mine, the physical loss of the baby that isn't there any more. I wake up in the middle of thenight stroking my stomach and the bump isn't there, I find myself trying to feel my baby's movements but there won't ever be any. When I see a pregnant woman this longing for my baby, my bump gets so strong that it feels like a physical pain in my body. This grief is the strongest for me. My body remembers how it felt to be pregnant and the longing for that feeling is so strong, for the happiness that comes from carrying a beautiful child inside you. From the first second I found out I was pregnant that feeling of gratitude was huge.
Now I try to remember all these things with a smile while I cry because I only got a few weeks with this baby but I got those weeks.
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