Feel so useless. (Rant)
I am female, I was born with the necessary organs and hormones to bare children.
I never, ever thought growing up that I would end up like this.
"The tendons have been attached to your uterus since the day you were born."
"We can remove them, hopefully that will get rid of the pain."
It didn't get rid of the pain.
Each ultrasound I go to, I hear:
"There are the follicles."
I wish more than anything I will turn up to an ultrasound one day and hear:
"Everything looks perfectly normal. Not a cyst in sight."
But every time, the cysts are always there, and my heart breaks a little more.
Why I am this way?
What did I do to deserve this?
Nobody deserves it.
I will never forget the look on my partners face when I showed him the tests, both of us desperately hoping we had done it.
He was so excited.
He hid it well, but I knew.
His eyes would light up whenever I mentioned our new addition, his hands would land on my belly during our conversations, and my heart would miss a beat.
Another trick my body played on me.
"Here is your uterus, empty I might add."
"Here are the follicles..."
Why can't I give him what everyone around me can?
Why?
I am tired of this now.
I wasn't ready for this.
How is a 13 year old ever ready to be told that she has polycystic ovaries?
I wasn't ready.
I don't think I will ever be ready.
I feel useless. As a female. As a human.
He tries to make me feel better about myself, saying that when the time is right it will happen.
My gut is telling me it will never happen.
I don't think I can put myself through both of our heartbreaks.
I feel like he is someday going to find someone who can give him children on demand.
What am I supposed to do?
I know there are so many ways for us, but I feel like I have failed him. And myself.
I just want to be like everyone else😞
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