I had my son on Saturday. It was just another day, waiting for him to decide when he finally decided to join us. I was 38w5d and more than ready for his arrival. I'd lost my mucous plug the week prior and had been feeling steady lower back pain for 3 days. Immediately upon waking up I knew that my baby was not moving as much as normal. I thought to myself, "Hey, maybe this will be the day." Everyone always says that babies move less when you go into labor. I felt him move twice in 5 hours. Just twice. Again I knew he was still okay, but I was hoping to finally be in labor, though I knew I wasn't progressing enough in way of contractions. Finally my mother suggested that I call my OB. I did and they told me to head on in to be checked. I didn't want to go. I felt stupid because I knew he was still okay. I expected them to tell me that I was just in the beginning stages of labor and to go home and come back when my contractions were closer. I had gone in 2 weeks prior for low fetal movement and he threw a party when I got there, so I expected something similar. When I got there they hooked me up to a monitor as usual and occasionally his heart rate would drop off. At first I thought it was when I moved or that he must have moved away from the monitor and I couldn't feel it for some reason. I couldn't hear him move as I could the previous time either. Still, I was more or less oblivious thinking I was just beginning labor and that this was normal because everyone said it was. Then they told me that they wanted to do an ultrasound and check fluid levels and movement. Fluid levels were great. Movement, nothing in the 30 minute ultrasound. By this point I'm getting worried. He's always been extremely active for every single ultrasound that I've had and I've had far more than most. Still they didn't seem overly concerned. I figured there was a far away possibility that they would decide a c-section, but was more calmed when they brought in some sugar water to run through an IV. They wanted to try to perk him up. While this was going, I made sure I held still and didn't move too much to jostle the monitor. Then his heart rate dropped off again. This had me more concerned because I knew for sure that this time it was no fault of mine and I hadn't felt him move away. They still rushed in and reassured me, but moments later the resident came in and said that he needed to come out. His heart rate was decelling at moments and picking back up. They could try to induce, but figured if they did that I would end up in emergency c-section because his heart was already stressed. I chose to not chance it and to just go with the c-section for his own safety. He was all I cared about. At this point, I became very scared. The second I was told that he was coming, my mother rushed out to go get my husband from work. He's only 19 to my 21 and she didn't want him to drive panicked. We thought there would be time. They started to prep me and I started to fear that he wouldn't make it. That he wouldn't be here. And worse, I was alone. My fears were confirmed. He called my cell while I was in the OR right before they began. The nurse broke the rules since she had my phone and answered it, pushing it to my ear. He was still 10 minutes out. I had to do this by myself. I was so scared. Everyone was talking at me and the meds made me sick. I ended up throwing up before they began and as they were stitching me up. I saw my baby only for a moment as they cut the cord and suctioned his nose. Then they carted him off to the side of the room to check him over. I was so excited to see him, but then the guilt set in. I didn't want to hold him because I was so sick and tired. I knew I couldn't hold him, but I knew I should want to. I felt so wrong. I just wanted my husband to get here to hold him and care for him for me until I was able. Thankfully, as they were close to finishing closing me up, he rushed in. They gave him our son and he brought him to me. Honestly, as happy as he was to see our son, he had eyes just for me for a minute. He was devastated at what I had endured alone. He knew that I was so scared. He knew that this wasn't what I wanted and I did it to ensure the safety of our son. This sadly was not the ideal birthing situation for us. But then we both looked to our son and pushed past everything to just enjoy seeing him for the first time and loving that he was okay. He was so beautiful. And the spitting image of his father. In recovery I able to make a turn around and start feeling better. I was more excited to hold him and just feel him against my skin. I finally started to bond. Then the families set down upon us and he was passed around. Shortly after they left us be, my little one had to be taken to the NICU for rapid breathing. This is normal for some c-section babies as they don't get to force the amniotic fluid from their lungs during labor. This caused me to go down even more of an emotional roller coaster. Now I couldn't hold him or breastfeed. I couldn't bond with him. I felt so alienated from him. The story continues from there with a very nasty low, but now just 3 days later I've been able to hold him and cuddle and he's getting what I pump. I've been told that it's very likely that later today I will be able to breastfeed again! I feel so in love with my little guy and I can't wait until they allow my husband to hold him again. Sadly, they're only allowing me to do so right now. Hopefully by tomorrow it'll be a different story. But as of right now, he looks like he could be released as early as tomorrow and no more than a couple of days. Tomorrow may be a bit of a reach, but I can really hope. My little man was born 8lb6oz and 21 in long. He's so perfect in every way and we're both finally doing better.