A "little" bump in the road- my story

The very raw (and long) version so I apologize.

April 25th, 2016.

How about a BIG bump. A HUGE bump. No a mountain of a bump, yep, definitely a mountain. The kind where you’re cruising along and you hit it and as you’re thrown into the air, everything flies all around in your previously perfectly organized vehicle, You’re devastated. You can’t find the things you need, your vehicle is mangled, but then you look up and realize that you’re alive and where you wrecked is in a beautiful, safe place. Somehow even in the midst of devastation the way you react depends on perspective. You can choose to only acknowledge the damage and anticipate all of the negatives; or you can admire it in all its glory, embrace it, prepare for the changes, and be thankful you are alive and well. Life is one never-ending series of bumps in the road, some big, some small and some that completely alter our course. Occasionally we end up in middle of a long, flat stretch and we can look around and breathe and try to collect ourselves, but just as we’re feeling like we are on the verge of pulling through, we end up getting hit by the next tire wrenching bump.

This is how I felt throughout this past semester of college. Constantly on the verge of giving up and then catching JUST enough of a breather to be able to stay on course. Then I started falling further and further behind as I became increasingly frustrated with the bullsh*t of a program I had thought would be amazing, as promised, that truly was not all it was cracked up to be. My motivation completely dissipated and my mental state became unbearably unstable.

Depression and anxiety consume many college students. According to a study composed by ADAA (Anxiety and Depression Association of America),

80% of college students report experiencing stress daily, 34% have felt depressed in the last 3 months, 13% have been clinically diagnosed with a mental health condition such as anxiety or depression, and 9% have seriously considered suicide in the past year. 

9%. Just a statistic, but to realize that you are part of that statistic brings a whole new meaning to it. This entire semester has been every kind of struggle for me. I have tried EVERY natural way of working through my issues, yoga, meditation, exercise, taking on small tasks which contribute to a bigger task, talking to someone, etc. but had little or short-lived success.

One night sitting in the bath tub with a pill bottle full of God-knows-what sitting next to me, wondering what purpose my life even had, knowing how stupid I felt to even be considering such things, but still contemplating how easy it would be to just take those pills or even dunk my head under and inhale, but something stopped me. I’ve pondered over the reasons why that may be, maybe it was the fact that it would be selfish, that it wouldn’t actually take away any of my problems, it would actually cause harm to those that I love; those who have tried to help me through such issues, or maybe just the simple fact that I am hard-headed and did not want the devil to win me over.

Two weeks later my “maybes” were answered as I watched that vertical line appear and create the famous (and sometimes infamous) plus sign. And then three more times I watched that little plus appear. Such an unholy little plus. What will people say? So many emotions ran through me, initially shear terror, then excitement, then terror again, all mixed with uncertainty. I called my best friend in a panic and, she dropped everything (mind you, this is FINALS week and she is a nursing student) so we could rush to the clinic to confirm what I had been told by the little plastic sticks.

Being a spiritual (I don’t prefer the term religious, that’s a whole nother discussion) individual, I prayed the whole way there. I prayed that if this was a false positive, or rather four false positives, then I would take it as my warning sign to get myself together, work on myself, my relationship with God and focus on school from here on out. I promised God that I trusted him and asked that his will be done, no matter what.

The appointment was a blur, I was in such a haze, the whole thing was like an out-of-body experience and honestly, it still hasn’t sunk in. I took the test and when they brought me back into the room, I don’t even remember the Doc saying the words “you’re pregnant” or anything directly stating it, it all just happened so… quickly. I vaguely remember her asking about my symptoms, taking my vitals (by the way my heart rate was 100bpm!!), and then asking what I wanted to do with the baby, I was almost offended. Who could ask such a thing so quickly? Before it could even soak in? I know it’s protocol but I mean, c’mon!  She proceeded to hand me 6 different pamphlets, inform me of all my options, hand a few more informational sheets, and the forms confirming my positive tests, then told me my due date; December 27th, 2016. I said thank you and smiled sheepishly, my entire body started shaking, I paid for my visit and walked out with a blank stare, only pausing to nod at my friend to tell her it was time to leave.

Then began the internal battle of whether or not to keep this little life inside of me. The little life I helped create, no matter the circumstance. I know I’ll get the whole “don’t read into it too much,” but I can’t help but pick up on signs. The projected due date was my beloved dog’s birthday who I had to put down December 28, 2014, the day after his 18th birthday. He had been my baby since I was a wee 18 months old. And now this little miracle has been projected to be given to me on that exact day which he was brought into this world. I tried to shrug that one aside, it seemed a little bit too elaborate to be realistic.

Later that night my roommate was away, I sat on my bed and just started talking to God, I prayed and asked “Well, what do we do now, God? Do I keep it or terminate it? What about school? What about my family? Work??”and this was the first time God had ever spoken to me so clearly and all I heard was “This baby was created in my image and will serve me in ways you would never believe, you will get to watch it happen. I gifted this life to you at a time which I saw fit. You are not alone. I am with you.” My response was the typical bawling my eyes out and then saying “Okay God, let’s do this, I trust you. Let your will be done.” I know I probably looked like a lunatic to anyone on the outside looking in, but this was the most genuine moment of my life and it was also the moment I decided to embark on this insane, life altering journey despite what everyone else might say, and in high hopes that those I love will be understanding of my decision.

 Welcome to the journey of me and my Little Foot.  👣