Not sure..

At what point am I aloud to be hopeful. Every month I trick myself into believing this could be it. Last month i was so sure because I'm never late I'm almost always spot on with glow when af arrives except last month i was 2 days late so it made my cycle 31 days but that's not unusual. The longest it's been is 31 a few different times. This month i am on day 33 and 2 days late. That's unusual. But the second I let myself feel some kind of joy or hope I get knocked down. I'm not testing unless I am a few days late at least so friday or saturday if it hasn't come yet. I don't feel like it is going to start the cramping I've occasionally had have been weird. But as I write this I start to convince myself I can feel af about to start. Ugh :(