This story is really really long so i cant go into as much detail as i would like but i want to at least get the facts out so you all know that this can even happen because I didnt know.

In early february i found out i was 4weeks and 5 days pregnant. Over the next week my boyfriend and i began to tell our close family. We considered abortion because i am 20, hes 21. Neither of us have stable jobs, i am a student, he unfortunate,y has a criminal record so its gard for us to get jobs and we were on the verge of breaking up. We decided to try our best to make it all work snd kept the baby.

At 12weeks+5 we went for our first scan. Baby was moving, good size, all his organ were orefect, good bloodflow from placenta, strong heartbeat, no neucal defdcts. Sonigrapher even said hes likely to be a boy. We had our perfect little boy.

We started telling wider famiky and friends, my boyfriend got a job. I was getting on with finishing my coursework and arranged a job that i would start when i finished. I also made plans for finishing my degree from home with the open university. My belly started growing so i prepared maternity clothes too.

Wwnt to routine 16 week scan and midwife wanted to hear babys heartbeat. She couldnt find it so she told me to drink lots of water so my bladder could lift my uterus incase he was hiding behind my pelvis. Still coildnt hear do went to run and jump and drink more so hevwoukd move so we could hear hid heart. I started to worry abit but midwife said she heard him moving so i stayed calm. Another midwife trjed to hear but noone could get anytning so i was sent to the early pregnancy unit. Another nurse tried to hear but still nothing, still not paniking. Got a scan dobe by soneone inexperienced on poor quality machine. I could see her face was not happy and could see thatbaby wasnt movinb around like he was before, the tears started. Another dr came but he wasnt a sonographer either. His face said the same, he put on tge machine linked tp the scanner that only picks up babys heartbeat. Silence. He tried again but told us hes pretty sure the baby is dead and to come back on monday for confirmation and next steps. My boyfriend and i cried these tears from to pit of ypur stomch where you cant help but wail, could feel each part of my heart shattering and falling to my toes

Came back on monday after and emotional blur of a weekend. I knew he was dead but i had a little hope. It was confirmed he was dead and meadured 12weeks+1, i dont see how as he measured 12weeks+5 at the scan but either way, he had been dead inside me for 3-4 weeks, all the time i had bern telling people and buying him things he was dead. My beaten heart ached, it felt to heavy and raw.

Went back to EPU and was given an oral tablet to prepare body for labour by softening cervix ect and told to come back wednesday unless i had bleeding.

Came back wednesday at 4pm and happened to start bleeding on the way there. Got first vaginal tablet at 7, got dull period like pains at 9. Got pains feeling like i needed to rock at 11. Asked for gas and air at 12ish and she brought it at 1 when she did my next vaginal tanlet. She said i was nit dilated. By 4, pain was ridiculous, long and close together. Mum asked for me to be examined but she said she didnt want to do it tol mich and woukd examine with the next tabket at 7. At 5 i went to the toilet to poo, couldnt take gas and air as it was attached to the wall so was contracting with no pain relief. Poo was like mr whippy and huge as result of tablet. Had to poo into dish incase baby came out. Changed dish and pooped again. Changed dish and felt gush, wateds broke and baby came half out, contractions stopped. Midwife came but i didnt know how to get the rest of him out. I had a tingly feeling around my cervix which i think was telling me to push but i had nothing to push on as baby was too small. Luckily i was sick which made me contract and baby came out attched to placeneta.

Baby was cleaned up and put in a little basket with hand knitted blanket and teddy. He was too fragile to hold. So fragi,e the tiny teddy made his skull dent. I got to keeo him for a couple of hours, family camw and we said our goodbyes. Mortician ans dr came to explain what happens next with funeral and post mortem, they were brilliant.

10 days after birth i was still bleeding heavily and it smelled really bad. One day i went to the toilet just to wee but felt something come out of my vagina and heard splash. Got plastic bag and fished it out of the toilet...it was left over placenta. Took it to the hospital and got examined, everything was out now. Bleeding stopped next day.

A postmortem has been done but still waiting for results, it is thought he may have had amniotic band syndrome as there was one in his sac. I dont have characters to explain it but google it and the info is there.

I couldnt explain the emotional side as much as i would have liked but it was the sort of sadness where you can feel it physically. Where when you cry you have to doubke over because you feel like youre being kicked in the stomach. And where you cant keep your back straight because your hearts too heavy.

Now 5 weeks after birth and having my first period, its heavier than usual.

If you have any questions, go for it, how ever gruesome or taboo. Im going to keep this for a little while but ive gotta get off this app soon because i keep getting notifications about how pregnant i am ect