What do you do when you've gone so far off the deep end that you just can't get back to normalcy?

When seeing a therapist is no longer an option because youre just too good at fooling everyone into thinking youre doing great? When your child already resents you, at the ripe age of (almost) 3? When you've got 0 decent friends, who you can trust to just sit and listen without passing judgment? When your husband, the one person in this world, who you once thought was the strongest man youve ever met, says the words 'You broke me'.

What do you do then?

'You broke me'

You'd think I cheated. But I didn't. I'm just crazy. Or at least thats what I've been told. Some form of personality disorder along with some form of mood disorder. That's been my diagnosis. Well shit, I could have told you that. But what does it mean?

This is more of a rant, because I dont have any friends. None i can trust. I dont know anyone here, so its a safe place. Here, I dont care about anyones judgements. I dont know you. And you dont know me. I'm just a mom and a wife, trying to get right with my head so I can take care of my family. So far I'm not doing too well.

'You broke me.'

His words are resonating in my head. Over and over and over again. How? When? Why? Questions that can't be answered, because there's no reasonable explanation. Only his words. Only his feelings. Only, I broke him.

I wish I were normal. I wish I didnt go into blackout rages. I wish my life before him was different. But wishing wont change anything. There isnt anything I can do now, besides wait. Wait for what, you ask? At this point, I havent a clue. But I dont know what else I can do.