Hi everyone.. 

So this is going to be an extremely long post and I apologize ahead of time. 

I had an extremely difficult pregnancy. I've had anxiety and depression for a few years now and it only worsened during pregnancy. 

I had extreme morning sickness for the first  6 months where I was throwing up every day all day and unable to keep anything down. I lost 11lbs in the first month. 

I had to go to urgent care for IV hydration probably 7 times before they finally started giving me weekly hydration. By 26 weeks I was just ready to give up because I was so miserable. I couldn't eat, sleep, or drink anything. 

Then 30 weeks rolled around and even though I was doing a little better thanks to the IV hydration I got diagnosed with GD and with the aversions I already had and an intolerance to sugar so I basically couldn't eat anything yet again because of the diet and my own bodily restrictions. 

I'd also been dealing with racing heart/heart palpitations since about 3 months in and there wasn't anything they could do to help me with that, so walking around for exercise was virtually impossible. 

So basically my pregnancy was awful, but that was only the beginning. 

2 weeks ago, June 4th, I had my little baby girl at 3:19am. I'd only been in labored for 11 hours and I pushed her out in 23 minutes (this is my first child) so needless to say both my baby and I went into shock. I also got a 3rd degree tear during the process. About 5 minutes later I hear nurses whispering and I look over to see my baby laying on the apgar table not breathing like she should and my heart just dropped. 

They took her to the NICU right after that before I'd gotten a chance to hold her or even see her. 

By the time they finally finished stitching me up it was nearly 2 hours later and I was so woozy from that, when I tried sitting up I nearly passed out on the spot and had to be given oxygen for a couple hours. 

7am rolled around and a NICU doctor came to talk with us about what was going on. He told us that her lungs were in bad shape and that they'd done a CT scan that showed a possible abnormality in her brain. Then suggested that we have her transported to their follow hospital an hour+ away for a special cooling treatment (basically being sedated for 3 days straight to help slow down her body to avoid anything else bad happened and help her body to hopefully heal. We agreed to that happening as it was the best option to helping her. They arranged for the transport team to pick her up and told me I'd be able to see her before they left. 

Next thing I know one of the nurses came in and said that the transport team had just left and I still hadn't gotten to see my little girl. 

At this point with my recovery time looking to be longer due to the tear, they managed to work on getting me transported to where my daughter was so that we could be near her. About 10 hours later I was finally transported myself and got to see my baby girl for the first time at 8:30pm after having her taken away at 3:20am. 

My daughter spent a total of 11 days in the NICU. She was on dozens of IV medications and multiple different breathing machines for the first 4 days. Gradually she started improving and gaining the ability to breathe. They took an MRI and there was no sign of abnormality. All she had to do was learn how to eat (since having been fed through a nose tube for a week). So 11 days later we got to take her home.

That was absolutely the most terrifying week and a half of mine and my husbands life. Not ever knowing if the next phone call we got or next visit we got if it would be good news or bad news. 

Since being home, I do okay during the days. As long as I stay occupied and distract myself enough. The nights are the worst though. After being a NICU parent for those 11 days I got so used to just being with my husband at night and us being each other's comfort. Obviously having a newborn at home, that wasn't an option to just be there with each other. That's when the worst of it hit whether it's PTSD or PPD or both. I sat and sobbed on the bathroom floor for two hours consumed by stress, panic, anxiety, and depression leaving me completely debilitated. 

Since then we've had to ask family to come help us during the nights. 

I feel like a failure of a mom because I'm not there for her at night when she needs me. Because I'm physically and emotionally incapable of handling her at night. Because all I want to do is lay with my husband in bed and let someone else take care of her who I know will give her the care she deserves. I feel like I should just be able to snap out of this whatever it is, be able to put on my mom hat, and be done with these feelings of anxiety panic stress and who knows what else. Ultimately I end up feeling that my daughter deserves someone better and stronger to take care of her. 

There's so many more feelings and emotions jumbled up inside me that I can't even explain right now. I just feel like a mess most of the time. My husband is also dealing with the stress letdown from everything, so neither of us is in very good shape right now. 

Id love to talk to other ladies experiencing similar feelings and work through stuff together.. 

Thank you for taking the time to read through all of this.