I am tired. I am tired of trying and trying and never getting a break. God gives us what we can handle... I wish he didnt have so much confidence in me. I feel so alone. I work out every day, I watch what I eat and do portion control and I just keep getting fatter, and uglier, and older. I am run down. I feel like my husband doesnt care about me.. or love me.. shit, I dont even think he likes me. I think he stays because its been so long, why leave now. He says he loves me but how can he? I love him and I try to be the best, most supportive wife I can be but I feel like he just overlooks everything. He doesnt "look" at me anymore. I dont blame him, I dont like to look at me either. You know... sometimes I think of just being done with it all.. then I realize that I probably wouldnt even kill myself correctly so what is the point of even trying. I miss me... the happy me. Not this shell of a person who's face hurts because of the forced smile I keep on it to make everyone else feel better and think everything is peachy. I miss the woman who is genuinely happy. Who smiles and laughs with ease. The one who loves life and loves the smell of the air right before it rains.. the one who loves to bake everything and anything. I havent baked anything in months.. what is the point. It used to make me happy and now it just makes me more upset because I, for some reason, dont find enjoyment in it now. I wish I had someone to talk to who wouldnt judge me or tell me, "You dont have anything to be upset about, there are pwople worse off than you".. Yes.. I know that, I am not a complete and total dipshit.. I know it could be worse.. shit, it used to be worse. I am just scared that everything is going to keep going to shit. I am scared that I am going to be all alone, stuck, while everyone else just keeps moving forward. I am scared that I qont be able to get past this funk.. that I am going to slip up and everyone is going to see the person I see when I look in the mirror, a person that I don't like.

I am not looking for pity, I just dont have anyone to tell this to and I didn't want to write it in my journal and have someone find it.. Im embarrassed I feel this way, Im embarrassed that I can't pull myself out of this after months of trying.. I feel like a peice of shit for not being able to find the words to tell my husband how bad it is, how bad I am. I need to find dime help because it's not normal. I shouldn't be this way but I don't know how to fix it.. I feel like Im drowning.