HELP: Hard time recovering- long read

Now I have a wonderful husband. He knows it will take time for me to feel complete with him sexually. As I had warmed up after quite a few months to him until we had to split for a year and now I am right back to the beginning. We had an argument because he told me he feels as if I don't try at all with sex, I just lay there and don't do any effort or ever initiate.. You all probably know what I mean.. And whenever words like that are brought up it really fucks me up. He says he understands and that we can stop having sex but the way he said it made it worse to me.. Anyways after 2 days we finally cleared the air and talked sweet words of how we truly feel and understand. So I climbed into bed with him as he asked (I was going to sleep on couch) and I thought I was ok with this. But I was not at all. I couldn't handle him touching me, mainly because I have self harmed for the first time beside my Vag and he was exploring that area with his hands so I didn't want him going near. But then it turned into everywhere. Wouldn't handle any physical contact and I felt enraged but numb. 

I am so upset over this, how this fight itself has put me back 4 steps in trusting.. I told him how I felt and that I couldn't be in the same bed as him. And here I am now, writing this. Truly realizing for the first time. That I am a true struggling victim of sexual abuse/assault. 

And I makes my stomach hurt and emotions go numb. Please help: