Tapering down?

Hello. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has kept their suboxone use private. It's hard not to have anyone to talk to about it and even harder when you need advice.

I got pregnant this last December, it was a complete surprise. Because of my dependence on opiates, I was terrified of passing that on to an innocent child. It simply wasn't an option. After much thought, I decided that my resolve to birth a healthy baby may be my only chance to finally getting away from nightmare that is addiction.

I've been on Suboxone from the start. Yes, I told my doctor. I told her I was scared of the horror stories where women had cps involved for doing nothing wrong. She assured me that as long as baby is fine at birth and nothing is in their system that shouldn't be, no action would be necessary. She categorized me as high risk, and referred me to a fetal specialist who handled Suboxone mothers.

Talking to the specialist, I explained I was on about 1mg a day. I swear he could have rolled his eyes at me. He said it was such a tiny dose, I should have no problem tapering off. He recommended I try to do it by 28 weeks, that way it doesn't risk the fetus being born addicted. I should also add that he explained that a recent study was done revealing that the fetus does NOT go through withdrawal in utero, as many have thought. The risk is entirely with the mother. At the time, I was 17 weeks pregnant and felt that weaning off was in the bag.

I was wrong. I have tried 3 times to stop. The first time I just went from 1mg to nothing. I felt like I was dying so I tried to taper down. I got to .5mg/day. Again, I failed to stop due to acute withdrawal. I tried once more since then and I keep finding myself going through the insomnia, racing heart, nausea, frequent urination, high anxiety, and GOD the muscle aches/spasms, and throw in the towel because the need for relief is so overpowering. I'm 34weeks. 6 weeks past my goal. I'm ashamed, lost, but still cannot fathom delivering my baby on this stuff. I don't want to breastfeed on it. I don't want to explain to family and friends why they are keeping my baby for 5 days after he's born.

I need advice, encouragement, and other stories. Has anyone else successfully tapered off, or even gotten down to once every 36hours? Anything will help at this point. I need to be done, and fast. I feel like I'm in a repeating nightmare and will never be free.