What's wrong with me ?

Why do I still have love for a guy that just abused me I've been with him for 5 years of my life I put him in jail for wat he did to me we are over and it will remain like that but why do I still cry over him have dreams about him or wen I look at videos I always think oh he'll love this video I feel like I'm so fucked up in the head I can't even think about anouther man me and him are so toxic for each other the only reason I left is because of my son who's about to be here in 2 months but I still crave his affection he knows all my secrets he's been there wen I was struggling with my rape I feel like I can never trust or love a man the way I did him 😰