Affects of early AF

I feel like ttc and years of disappointment are taking their toll on me. Each month I find myself less and less hopeful always thinking the worst while I'm still in my fertile window. Then when my period comes I no longer cry I just feel this emptiness. Last month Af was a day early this month it came on the 31st when I wasn't due until tomorrow and I just feel so empty. I want this baby but I don't know how to have hope anymore I just feel like it will never happen for me.