Hi ladies

I lost my son at 37 weeks, he had passed away less then 2 hours before my dr appointment. Delivered him April 5 2016. Perfectly perfect. No explanations. No closure. And this was supposed to be our rainbow after losing our daughter at 23 weeks August 2014 due to a genetic problem which lead to death and a missed miscarriage April 2015. I fell like someone is trying to break me, I have a 7 year old from a previous marriage and it's been rough all the way around, I'm broken I want my babies back. I'm stuck between wanting to get pregnant and being terrified to have it happen all over again to the point where I tell people I don't want to get pregnant again while behind closed doors I've been trying going on 2 months, I usually take 3-6 months to her pregnant when trying, never have I without timing and preseed and standing on my head and the blood of a virgin gotten pregnant accidentally like all these children do. I'm 29 and terrified that I'm too old. I wanna express my condolences to you all and hope one day we all get our rainbows kicking and screaming out the uterus. I've been on antidepressants and anxiety meds because I couldn't handle it and still every day I cry at least once. He's never going to be replaced and always will be a very big presence in our home and family but my husband wants a child of our own and so far we've lost 3. Hoping soon to be able to finally get out earth child. I will not buy a single item or find out the gender of our next pregnancy it's will be high risk and also will be so disconnected. I hate to think negative but I can't return and sell everything again. So we'll just put money away then when the baby is here and alive and well We'll buy a everything. Any ladies feel the same? Or gone through this before and came out with a rainbow?