Pregnancy

I just found out yesterday that I'm 5-weeks along in my totally unexpected pregnancy. I'm only 19. I have a loving and supporting boyfriend and family but I'm just not ready for this. My boyfriend and I decided we are going to terminate the pregnancy. This is such a hard decision for me because I'm a nanny and I have worked with children for as long as I can remember but I absolutely cannot have this child. There are so many things in my life that I haven't done yet and I'm not ready to give that up. But I'm not ready to be a killer either. I'm always going to know that I killed my first baby. If I ever have children in the future I'm always going to know there should've been another one first but I didn't give him/her the chance. I'm starting to think about its little face and how he/she will smile at me when they first open their eyes. I'm thinking about the name and watching him/her walking for the first time and saying "mommy" and all I can do is cry because I know I can't keep him/her. If I had to choose, I would choose to not be pregnant at all but I am and I hate this. I didn't want kids prior to getting pregnant but now that he/she is in me, how can just kill him/her? They're a part of me and I know I'm going to hate myself for a long time after I do this but I have to. We aren't ready for this baby. But I don't think I'm ready to kill him/her either. Please no hate :( this whole thing is already hard enough. any advice on emotional and mental stability after terminating a pregnancy would be so helpful. Thank you.