My nonexistent child.
I had a pregnancy scare.
I was with my boyfriend of two years on the phone, long distance, when I realized I couldn't remember the last time I had my period and I was nauseous, all the time. He was terrified. We weren't even living together yet; how could we raise a baby? I was unemployed, he was going to college. It wouldn't have been the right time to bring a child into this world.
And so, I waited for my period. But every night, I'd imagine my child growing inside my womb, the product of two people in love, and who would love them. And I thought to myself, "When would be the right time to bring a child into this world?" Things would never be perfect, there would always be something we had to deal with before it was the right time.
But then I got my period, and all of my dreams shattered into pieces.
A part of me was relieved. I didn't have to worry about getting health insurance, or explaining to my family, or the heart attack my boyfriend was going to have. But that other part of me was devastated. I got too close. To attatched to what could have been.
I tried to suppress that part of me. But whenever I see kids or expecting moms, I cry. Whenever it gets late, I cry. It's 2:30 in the morning and I'm bawling my eyes out over this message, and I can't tell anyone, because they'd all think I'm crazy for crying over what could have been. My heart is hurting.
I don't know what to do.
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