I really need some advice... my mind is my worst enemy and it's getting the best of me and my relationship....
My friends are awful with advice and I can't be alone with myself because my mind goes crazy...
So, I've been dating my boyfriend now sense August of last year and we've moved in together. A couple months ago, I found out his ex, (who had cheated on him multiple times and they were "in love") had added him on Facebook. Prior to me finding this out, I had thought I saw her on his time line but he scrolled past really quickly. So before I went crazy I did my investigation and found it out. I confront him, told him to be honest that I wouldn't be mad, and he tells me she added him about his cat that she has and that he'd delete her. She lives states away where he used to live and I had given him a chance to hit her up to JUST get the cat and he declined.
So next day comes around and he hasn't deleted her so I check his phone. Their messages weren't long, but weren't about that cat until the very last message. He asked why she added him and she says "just cus!" Now that made me madder then anything. He had lost his job and I was taking care of him until he got a new one, even the phone he was using was paid for by me. I threw his phone at him while he was sleeping, grabbed my keys and left. We got In a huge argument (well mainly him crying, saying sorry, and begging me to come home) and after hours of crying and fighting it seemed like maybe we'd get past it....that was July 17. About a month ago I found a screenshot on his phone talking to a "friend" about how (and u quote) "not very many people can handle your attitude I think it's hot" and if that's not flirting to you Idk what is. He better be glad he came home.early because I was packing his stuff. The worst part is the date on the screen shot said Aug 3 and it was September when I found it. He's never actually cheated, but cheating starts with talking.
I'm not even afraid of him cheating, what gets me is how fucking useless i feel. I feel so worthless and not enough. If his ex gets brought up or even mentioned in anything i get so fucking mad. I get so mad I let it build up inside and just explode about the dumbest stuff. I'll be doing normal things and everything thst happened in the last couple months just rush in my head like a huge title wave completely drowning my mind in such awful thoughts.
I've always over think everything. I've always had really bad anxiety. Ever sense the insistent with his ex it's almost all I can think about sometimes. He'll be in bed holding me and I just don't feel like I used to. Hes trying... i sound like one of those dumb girls who stick around with a cheating bf but, I love him, and don't want him to leave. He deleted his snapchat and insta, he deleted past flings or almost flings.
I'm Distant and moody and I can't bring the subject up without him says "can we not talk about this".
It's fucking with my head. It honestly is. I know what kind of car his ex drives and I swore I saw it one day, I was convinced it was her. In my mind she had drove all the way here to see him so I followed the car until I figured out it wasn't her...
I don't like being like this. I'm so fucking embarrassed that it's getting to me like this. I feel like she's won. Won some kind of mind game. Letting me know she had him first and still has some kind of hold on him.
Another think thst bothers me more and more everyday is how fucking ugly she is. Makes me feel hideous because if my boyfriend is gonna date this ugly cow then shit im just as ugly.
I really just need advice on how to stop these thoughts. They're constant. I don't want to cuddle, kiss or have sex with my boyfriend most of the time because this is literally all I can think about. Doesn't matter what I'm doing that's literally all I can think about.
Please help I'll try anything.