abusive relationships ...

So I'm 15 years old and I've been in two abusive relationships. They never got physical but I was constantly being yelled at and questioned. I was told not to talk to my closest friends. In one he threatened to kill himself if I left him. The other actually cheated on me after yelling at me for months about not being able to talk to anyone. 

After awhile I adapted to realize that I was wrong all the time. 

"Why the fuck are you talking to him I told you not to you fucking slut" 

"I'm sorry it won't happen again. Please stop being mad at me..." 

It's been 10 months since my last abusive relationship and sadly I still have that same mindset ... I just apologize for everything and it makes people think I have no meaning behind the word sorry... it's just so irritating. Also I'm really quiet now. Before then I was so quirky and happy and I was the bright eyed teenager who had a glorious future! But now I put myself down a lot ... today I was just thinking and out of nowhere I thought "I'm gonna be such a terrible lawyer why am I even trying" 

I only thought that though, because I'm so quiet  and lawyers are supposed to speak up. I can't do that, I can barely speak loud enough for my teachers to hear me. 

I'm trying to get better though, alright. My new boyfriend loves me so much and he treats me like a princess. I'm just always so scared of the worst. 

I just needed to get this off my chest and I though eve would be the best place to do so ... thanks for reading