I ended up basically cheating three times. I never touched the guy or met up with them because no matter what I could never do that, but I would text them and hide it. The guys would always text me first but in my fits and tantrums I would respond to them then when I calmed down I would delete them again. After a week I would come clean to him and he would fix everything. But the third strike I broke him completely. Every time he asked why I did it, I had no answer. I love him with all my heart and he loves me. But I went phsyco on him three weeks ago because he didn't call me, and I've never done this before. This scared him because I sent him death threats and he broke up with me. 

Now three weeks later we tried things for a day and he said it didn't feel the same. He says he misses me and loves me, but he has no more love to give me because I hurt him so bad. He said he doesn't even want to look at other girls for fear of being stabbed in the back, and I want to fix everything but I can't. I asked if he'd ever give me another chance and he said "at this point no, because the only thing I think of right now is sadness." He said "if he really sees I've changed and improved he'd consider it but not any time soon, he needs to heal." Every day it breaks my heart to know I've hurt him, I was so wrapped in myself I never thought I'd loose him. I know I need to let him be but I need him. 

He still talks to me at school, today he saw I was sad because I was sick and walked up to me to check and see if I was okay. 

I want to wait till Christmas to ask him to give us a try again, but I want some advice on the right thing to do. I know in my heart I will never hurt him again, I don't know how to prove before then that I won't because we're not together to show him. I made a therapy appointment for next week to get myself on the right track, and I just told him that. My mental health is no excuse for what I did and he knows I know that, and he's trying to be my friend but I know it hurts for him to look at me because he loves me but he's hurting.

Could someone give me advice please?!