my first love passed away 😢 (sorry long post)

I'm not sure if it's in the right section, but I am going absolutely insane. My first love passed away last Saturday, he was in a car accident. I met him when I was 7, and he was 9 (and it might sound strange, but I have loved him since then) We had a 17 year friendship, and it hurts the deepest part of my soul that he isn't here anymore. We dated for one year, and for one reason or the other it didn't work out, but we usually never stopped talking and even if we did, we just picked up where we had left off, as if we had never stopped talking. I had last seen him 7 months ago ( we talked and saw one another all of summer, fall and winter of last year) (I wasn't married yet or in a relationship at the time) and I just can't stand the thought of not being able to call him and say how much I miss him, and that even though he wasn't mine as I had always though he would, that I will love him forever. I am married, and I am grateful that my husband has been so understanding, he came with me to the service and the funeral. It was so so hard, and most of the time I wanted to be left alone and not touched, and my husband took that hard, that I wasn't comforting myself with him. When we were at the cemetery I went up to the casket alone and placed a flower, and I didn't want my husband to come with me. Was that wrong of me? I just wanted to be alone one on one with him for one last time. The pain is unbearable, idk how I'm going to deal with this, knowing that he's gone. I just can't even begin to imagine what my husband is feeling and going through, but I'm so consumed with grief. The last time my friend and I were together (7 months ago) we planned to get back together and get our own place, eventually we decided against it, but we both knew that the love and care was there. I feel terrible for my husband, I'm being a terrible wife and he is so good to me. I love my husband so much, but with my friend it was a different kind of love that I can't even explain myself. My husband told me last night, that he believes that the reason it never worked out with my friend was because he was going to pass away, and God knew that I wouldn't be strong to cope with that, so that instead God gave me him (my husband) so that he could help me cope. I'm sorry that my post is all over the place, I just wrote as thoughts came to my mind.