Why do I do this to myself? Why do I do this to him? To both of them? Why do I randomly feel depressed?

Because I'm selfish. Because I betrayed the one I love. Because it feels good.

I blame it on living in the city. I blame it on school. I blame it on whatever I can, so that I can feel better about who I am as a person.

But I can't hide.

I can't hide from the decisions I made. I can't hide my doubts about love from myself. I can't hide from myself the fact that I not only cheated on the man I love, but lost my innocence to a man I care for, but do not love.

I don't know who I am anymore. I dont know what my plans are. I don't know who I love.

But how can I know who I love if I can no longer love myself? How can I go on living with such dark lies, dark thoughts? How is it possible?

I must go on.

I must find something within myself that will urge me to keep fighting. I must find something that I love about myself. I must not give up.