I have always suffered with the way I've felt about my body. I still do now more than ever. I'm 20 years old. I should be wearing crop tops and short shorts. I'm 5'6 and I weigh about 154 lbs. now that is an average BMI. However, all of my weight seems to go to my stomach and my inner thighs. Making exposing my stomach impossible. Hoping for a thigh gap in the shorts I bought but hate because it doesn't look the way in mind it's supposed to- regrettable. I've tried dieting and working out and these things have helped in the past but my self loathing becomes so intolerable that I let go and eat my feelings away once again.
My boyfriend is more than aware of my insecurities as I've expressed them to him on more than one occasion. I've caught him a few times looking at girls on porn or tumblr that clearly are not of my body type. Now I know that what men may look at doesn't exactly mean that's what they want. However, what happens when it becomes more real and close to home? He's been liking friends of mine on FB who have those, what I think as the perfect body type. It frightens me. And dithers my belief that my body is not good enough. He tells me it means nothing and that he's with me for reason. My mind just goes to immediate shut down and all I can think of is that my body disgusting, I hate it, I'd go through thousands of plastic surgery if I could. There's been times when I've wished I was I was anorexic. I know this is an awful thought and people who do suffer the illness are truly in need of help and I promise I regretting thinking this way.
How do I learn to love my body? How to learn to change my perspective? Should I just become a health nut and lose my sanity in a different way? Or do I learn to love myself the way I am? And if I chose that, then how do learn to love myself, to know my worth as a human being? I feel like what's perceived as beautiful is shoved in our faces from morning until night. Whether it be social media or billboards or ads. These beautiful people are every where and you just ask God why the fuck did you make this way?
I feel I should stop ranting and ask you girls...beautiful strong women...how do you cope with these things?
I attached a picture of myself. Idk why. So I'm sorry about that too. Maybe I just need some strong, womanly empowerment. I also want everyone to know that I think you're all beautiful. No matter what shape or size. My own personal idea of MY body, in no way effects how I view others. I love you , women!