7 weeks and suicidal.

Long post. some language. 

I  am 7 weeks pregnant today and it was an accident. 

Boyfriend and I did not want kids but things happened and here I am. I'm furious at him because it really is his fault. We have been together for six or seven years and he's always been on his pull out game. (Please don't judge, we've tried different BC methods, Ive been on the pill and the ring and both destroyed my great sex drive and ruined my personality and we can never find condoms in his size so we just stick to pull out) anyway for years this method has worked until he got a little too in the moment of love (aw) and just let himself go. 

I took the plan b pill about 18-20 hours after the incident and figured we'd be A okay. Wrong. 

I found out I was pregnant on November the tenth and from there everything went down hill. 

I take 20 mg of adderal once a day to help manage my ADD and believe me when I say it took me years to find out I wasnt depressed, just ADD and to have finally found a treatment that works has been my most triumphant achievement because before that, I was just all messed up. 

Anyway I'm rambling. 

So I find out I'm pregnant and immediately freak out and get mad at boyfriend and blame him because I have always had this fear of pregnancy and being pregnant and a mom so I just want to rip my intestines out of my body. We decided however, to keep it. He's super excited to be a daddy and I could never ask for a better partner and friend to do this with but it's me who is the problem. 

I slowly started to wean myself off the adderal by taking half my dose (10mg) each day for about a week. Big mistake. I became super foggy and forgetful and so fucking tired so early! I would get weepy for no reason but I would also get severely suicidal too. 

I have had a past of self harm and what I like to call "freak outs" ever since about age fifteen. (26 now btw) I probably suffer a mild form of PTSD caused by numerous things but ultimately I have abandonment issues. For the last five years I have maintained this balance of adderal in the morning and a bit of marijuana at night to help bring me down from any leftover adderal hype and also I smoke to self medicate for my anxiety. This combination of amphetamines and pot have been the best balance in my life and the best I've ever felt over a few consecutive years in my entire life. This is important to mention because pregnancy, amphetamines, and pot do not mix. 

Already, trying to wean off the adderal is scary and proven dangerous because I get so out of my head I think stupid things and I have already had major suicidal thoughts and have cut my legs to pieces over the stress and realization that I gotta give up my life balance, my security and safe place for a kid I didn't even want. 

So my boyfriend being the EVER so supportive man that he is, tells me he's not gonna lose me over this baby and that he will do whatever he can to make sure I don't kill myself. So last week I scheduled an abortion. I'm supposed to go to PP tomorrow morning to have the second medical abortion of my life and initially, after making the appointment, I felt so much better and relieved. This past week is the first week I've felt and behaved somewhat normal but idk if that's because I know I don't have to go through with this pregnancy or if it's because I started back on my regular dose of medication. 

The horrible thing now is, I don't want to have the abortion. I have this confidence that I can do this and I can handle it and have a family but I know it's just the adderal talking and as soon as I quit taking it again, I'm going to flip out lose touch with reality and kill myself. 

I don't feel like I know who I really am and I definitely don't feel like I need to be making any huge choices like this. I can't keep flip flopping based on my brains chemical levels. I recognize that I am susceptible to bad mood swings all on my own, but take away my ability to treat it and I become scared of myself because I can be so emotionally unpredictable. 

If I knew I could keep smoking/consuming marijuana for my anxiety I would feel much better because I am a firm believer in the medicinal use of THC for anxiety and nausea and pain. I don't want to give up the weed and I don't want to kill myself and I don't want to abort this almost-baby. 

Is there anyone out there who can help me? Is there anywhere safe I can go to self medicate with marijuana to help get me through this pregnancy? I don't want to be ignored and told I'm just some hormonal pregnant woman and everything is normal because I'm here to tell you after years and years of trying and failing with antidepressants and anxiety medication, I have learned a great deal about myself and my mood swings and this is not just pregnancy hormones. This is years worth of tears and blood and anguish that finally got on check and will slowly have to be torn down exposing the real fragile chaotic me beneath and I am terrified of who she is and what that woman will do. 

Help me