I have been silently struggling with postpartum depression since the day I had my son. I have been very ashamed of this. Ashamed of my depression and ashamed of hiding it. I feel like i don't have any other choice. There have been many late nights when I have thought about taking my own life. It has been 3 years since I overcame my struggle of self-mutilation. I would be lying if I said I hadn't been cutting again. Seems like everyday it gets worse. I cry my tears when my baby sleeps. I've never wanted my children to see my weak side. My husband has no idea how bad it's gotten. I put on my fake smile and pretends to laugh. He thinks I'm happy. He thinks I'm enjoying every moment of motherhood. When in reality I have so many dark thoughts in my head. I've been so scared of coming forward about my PPD issues to my friends and family. They wouldn't understand. I tried to speak up in the hospital before we left to go home but the nurses said it will pass it's just the baby blues. The nurses told me not to worry about it so I tried my hardest to not let anybody see how much I was suffering. I've had it for so long now that I don't know how to come forward to my husband about these feelings. I don't know what to do anymore.

I feel so lost.