My mom passed away on September 21st of 2016 and I miss her so so much. She was my best friend, I'm 15 and I lost the most important person in my life. She was my teacher, advisor, confidant, best friend and most importantly my momma. She was so generous in her time on Earth. She only lived to be 45 and it's not fair. She died nineteen days after my birthday. I got my permit and right away texted my mom excited saying "I GOT MY PERMIT!" but got a message saying this number doesn't exist  everyday I wait in the freezing cold for 45 minutes to get picked up by a neighbor because my mom used to drive me everywhere. I come home some days exhausted and wanting to rant to my mom and have her just listen. She wouldnt judge me she'd help me. I'm failing three of my six classes because she's normally tutor me in those. She was a doctor who saved so many people but wasn't saved herself. The cancer just took her, her smile faded as her hair fell and then decided to torture her even more by not allowing her to walk, cough up blood and suffer enough for 10 lifetimes. God's plan is not fair. I've lost my faith after witnessing everything this passed year. Before she passed away she wanted to see her family in India we (my dad and I) told her she'd die faster in India compared to US. She didn't want to listen so we booked the tickets anyways and took her we left the day after my birthday because of my school. That was the last time I saw her alive. I never told her I loved her just huggged her lightly and left. I was half awake since the flight was at midnight but regret it so so much. On top of that when we went for her funeral there were so many people crowding me I couldn't breath. Her parents yelled at my dad and I for not coming sooner since she wanted us with her but my mom specifically told us not to come for the sake of my schooling. We listened to her. When I saw her next it was when I had to put flowers by her feet, rice and water in her mouth and then they carried her off to be cremated. I specifically asked if we could bury her near our home in Washington State but according to some bullshit religious thing it wasn't allowed (not trying to hate on any culture) when I saw her for the last time she wasn't wearing a wig I didn't shed a single tear and I left. I left the funeral early with my cousins because I couldn't be there any longer plus girls shouldn't be there apparently for the rest of the funeral. I don't know what to do my dad is stressed and yelling at me about school and grades I dream of being a Neurosurgeon but he's telling me no one will accept me. I've been self harming and anorexic for years but recently got better. I was clean for about one and a half years but then my mom died and all those thoughts came rushing back to me. I'm an artist so I own hundreds of exacto knifes and sharp razors etc. I have read all about the human body and know exactly where to cut so I die but every time I think that I imagine what my mom would do. She'd sob. Hearing her only daughter killed herself over her death. I don't know I miss her.