I can't sleep, I don't eat at all or I over eat, this pain inside of me is unbearable. My baby my little girl is gone, a piece of me was ripped away. When I first got pregnant I was so scared because of the past and two early losses, I was so scared because my boyfriend and I weren't don't well in our relationship for the first two weeks I wished I wasn't pregnant I just started my new job and was scared they would be mad at me too. As time went on and the baby stayed healthy I started to love her to need her to become obsessed with the thought of holding my baby in July. I became obsessed with what she would look like and throwing summer birthday parties and who would babysit her when I was at work. My mind completely changed I didn't care about what I looked like anymore or who didn't like me at my new job I just cared about her and my boyfriend and our growing little family. On December 22 it was a normal morning I woke up to get ready for work and went to the bathroom and noticed brown and red blood in my underwear, my heart dropped and I already knew it was over I tried so hard to have hope because I was 12 weeks along that was suppose to be the safe haven that was suppose to mean I made it my baby would most likely be ok. My boyfriend didn't like me reading about miscarriages so I would hide it from him all the time but the thoughts consumed me. When would it happen how many days until I was in the clear? I would erase my search history in case he used my phone because he is really big into me not being stressed out and staying positive. So I call my mom crying and I call my boyfriend crying. I call the hospital who tell me to stay calm and rest until the doctor can call me. They call me and have me come in for an appointment in an hour not with my regular doctor because she was off for the day. My boyfriend comes home from work and we go together. The bleeding isn't soaking a pad and I'm starting to feel hopeful. We get into the room and the nurse had our materni21 results and asked if I wanted to know them I said yes she said it was a baby girl and there were no issues detected. I broke down we wanted a girl so bad and what if she wasn't ok. The doctor came in with an ultrasound machine. She tried to calm me down and said we would take a look. She tried to do an ultrasound on my tummy but you could barley see her, this already made me nervous but she said it's ok let's try a vaginal ultrasound sometimes the baby is hard to see at this stage. We see the baby but it looks the same as it did 3 weeks ago when she was 8w 5d I can't see the flickering heart beat this time. She measures the baby and she is only at 9w1d I already know what she is going to say. The babies heart stopped beating sometime soon after my last ultrasound and she stopped growing. I'm devastated I can't even cry right away I'm blank my boyfriend starts sobbing instantly. The doctor says she will give us some time alone and I lost it. She came back in and answered any questions I had. Just wanting to go home we head home and I lay down and cry my eyes out. I'm thinking I know what will happen my first miscarriage at 5 weeks was painful, but I survived I just need to let it happen. I had no idea what I was in for the next 30 hours. At around 6pm the cramps started they hurt so bad, but I knew I had to push threw. I passed blood and tissue for hours and started feeling exhausted. Now 11:30 running back and forth from the bedroom to the bathroom screaming in pain from these horrible contractions they were full blown contractions I was on the bathroom floor begging for it to stop. My boyfriend couldn't take it anymore he said we had to go into the ER. I fought him on it for awhile then finally gave it because I couldn't take the pain. We go there at 2am we waited in the waiting room as I ran from the waiting room to the bathroom to keep passing blood clots and tissue. They finally got us into a room asked a bunch of questions and left us there for at least an hour I was in so much pain bleeding through my pad and my bed pad there was no bathroom in the room so I was so uncomfortable with the whole situation. Finally a nurse brings me two Oxys I take them totally forgetting I haven't ate in hours. This just made everything worse now I had to throw up I rang for the nurse who gave me a tiny green bag to throw up in. I finally gave in and threw up everything I could all I had was a warm glass of water in a Dixie cup to rinse my mouth out. I rang the nurse again and she brought me some anti nausea medicine I was having a horrible contraction when she came in and said put this under your tongue I couldn't my mouth was dry and still tasted like throw up and I was on my knees in pain I told her I can't she said " you can't put this under your tongue" in a cruel sassy voice and annoyingly waited for me to stand up. Finally at 4:30am they give me a shot for pain. This helped a little, but I was so exhausted by this point it didn't matter. She walked in at 5am and said ready to get out of here ? I said yes I just wanted to be at home where I wasn't judged anymore and could pass the Rest In Peace. They gave me a prescription for some pain pills and anti inflammatory, but of course didn't call it in for my because why make it easier on the girl having a miscarriage. I was too exhausted and traumatized at that point to go to the pharmacy and I was still in pain. I came home and slept as much as I could between cramping and contractions, which wasn't much. We woke up and went to get the medicine. Can home and I had more cramping but not nearly as bad as last night. I called my doctor to tell her what happened last night they needed me to go in for a blood draw at 2:20pm as we were getting ready I went to change my pad and go pee I felt something fall out of me and the splash in the toilet I started screaming to my boyfriend I knew this was the end. He fished it out for me because I needed to see what it was, it was giant 6" long and 3-4" high sac of something it was slippery and red and looked like something off of an alien movie still to this day I am unsure if it was the baby in the sac or more than likely the placenta that didn't stop growing when my baby did. At that moment I understood why I was in so much pain last night and why when I thought it was over it wasn't. After passing that the pain instantly subsided, but the pain in my heart was so prominent now. I didn't have any physical pain to keep my focus now. It was December 23rd now 1 day before the Christmas festivities were suppose to begin my boyfriend and I were planning on going to my parents in Michigan. There was no chance I was leaving the house now. I wanted to see no one celebrate nothing my baby was gone the trauma I went though I wish upon no one not even my greatest enemy. My boyfriend respected my wishes and we stayed home he tried to cheer me up with food and funny movies, but even if I laughed for a moment I instantly went back to sadness, confusion and wondering why. Why me, why my baby and what did I do. Why didn't this happen earlier if she wasn't going to live?? How come I didn't bleed for 3 weeks, was I a horrible mom for not knowing the baby inside me had passed? These questions are haunting me. After 2 early losses and now this what do I have to hope for in the future? Will I ever had a healthy baby? Will I ever be brave enough to try again ? My whole life I dreamed of being a mother and now what if I can't be? What if it's never going to happen for me? I'm not sure what will happen in the future I just wanted to document this somewhere so I never forget. She will always be a piece of me I will never forget her. I love you forever and ever my baby girl until we meet again.