look at my grotesque fat self and please guess my weight

It may seem silly but I refuse to weigh myself. I know I'm very fat but seeing the number might cause me to commit suicide. I feel so shitty about myself. I plan to lose weight but trying for a second child now b/c of my age, I don't want to wait too long. I know I'll be even bigger but I'm determined to lose it all, no matter the cost nor the pain.