I was raped and I'm having a hard time dealing with it.

eve has helped me feel better almost every single time something goes haywire in my life, whether it be scares or otherwise.

I was raped in June/July of 2016, right on the cusp of the months if I remember correctly. I've been trying to distance myself from it. I did the rape kit, but no charges were pressed (because I couldn't bring myself to disappoint my parents). Over time, I've been getting more anxious, fearful, and angry about the situation itself and what happened to my body.

I'm currently on winter break, and I do not have access to a therapist until I get back to school. I just wanted to vent on eve. Being around older, taller males causes me so much fear now- hell, it's even affected my dating habits. I've only dated men shorter or equal in height to me since the incident. I've been developing these feelings of self-hatred. Things like hearing low voices coming up from behind me (i.e. when I'm walking to class) send me almost back in time and I start to panic- I'll have these vivid flashbacks (which are all the more worse considering I was unimaginably drunk at the time, so it's all just hazy but with intense phantom feelings of the men touching and forcing themselves into me). I just don't know what to do- I found a note from one of the boys yesterday while I was cleaning my room, and it included him calling me beautiful. I just sat and bawled my eyes out in the middle of a dusty, dirty floor- for some reason, it was too much for me to handle. I find myself relying on drugs to numb the pain. I wish I could tell my parents, but because of how they handled a previous rape at twelve, I can't find the will to put myself through that embarrassment and humiliation again.

Does anyone have any words of encouragement or advice?