A few years ago I found out I was pregnant. I already had a 1 year old and I was struggling to be the mother she deserved, let alone the mother a new baby deserves. About a week after I got a positive test result I started bleeding lightly. It stopped after a few hours but I had had a miscarriage a few months prior and I just assumed the baby was no longer. A month passed and I still didn't have a period so I took another test. By this time my SO and I had broken up and I had told him I started bleeding so telling him it was still happening was a little awkward. At this point I had decided I wanted to give my baby up for adoption to give him a good life. My ex agreed that it was a good idea. So we started looking for a couple. One of my friends suggested her aunt and uncle but they had already had a kid of their own that was still young and they were in their 50s. My brother suggested a friend of his that had a stillborn before finding out she had cancer. This lady was in her 30s, no kids aside from the stillborn, and one of the sweetest people I had ever met. I immediately decided she was the one, I loved her and her SO. And so the adoption process started and I was around 4 months pregnant. During the next few months she got married to her SO and I lived my life, carrying my child for another couple. Delivery day came and she was in the room with me and my SO (the ex now SO again). She was there when I delivered and asked me if I wanted to hold her baby. I told her no. He wasn't my child and while I knew her a little bit, I'm not one to hold another person's child unless I really know them. I filled out his birth certificate for them and she visited me when they were leaving the hospital and asked again. I said no again and that I hope they have a beautiful life together. The night after we left the hospital my SO and I were cuddling and he started crying, talking about how he wants his son and that he thinks it's a mistake. I talked him down and helped him realize he couldn't take care of a baby. I was moving out of state to get help from family members so I could go to college and make a life for myself and he was staying there. He could barely handle my toddler, much less a newborn. I took it much better than the majority of the people I know. I've had so many people tell me that if I never cried or regretted my decision then I must be a heartless bitch. But I never have and I never will. I would do it all over again if it ever came to it and I wouldn't cry or regret it that time either. Even my parents that respect my decision have a harder time dealing with it than I ever have. I still have contact with the family that adopted him. I've watched him grow up and become a beautiful child that smiles and laughs and all I can think is, if I did what people wanted me to do, he wouldn't be smiling or laughing. He wouldn't be happy because his mom would be nothing but stressed all the time. So what does everyone think? Am I awful for never being sad about my adoption decision?