three years later and it STILL haunts me

 

When I was 15 my friend talked me into getting online to meet older guys since guys "our age were too immature" I didn't want anything sexual with these guys just maybe a friend. At first I was hesitant on it but I met a guy I really liked. We texted as friends and we made plans to hang out. We went to a movie and yes I kissed him and he was 21. This made me feel wanted. Can you imagine how that felt for a 15 year old. This guy giving you attention you had never had. Nothing else happened but we went back to house and was hanging out. He started kissing me and it got heated I didn't stop it until he tried going in my pants. I wasn't comfortable with it because I had just met him and I didn't really know him. He playfully picked me up and put me over his shoulder fireman style and carried me to the bathroom and then shut the door behind him. He was still almost teasing saying "come on" it will feel good. I tried to come up with every excuse in the book. This wasn't the first time (when I was 2 I was sexually molested by my babysitters son and then my first real boyfriend even tho we had had sex one day I didn't want to and I said no but didn't stop touching me I got nervous and I shut up and just laid there. I didn't want to believe my own boyfriend would do that to me. Later when I told him it was over because I felt violated he threw it back on me saying how it was my fault and I wanted it or I would of pushed him off not just laid there.) I know that I wouldnt believe all that could happen to someone, like who has that much bad luck? Some might not believe it and think I'm looking for attention but I'm not.

Anyway after I said there's no condom and he didn't have one he told me to sit in the bathroom while he ran to the gas station to buy some. I didn't know what to do at that point. I didn't know where I was at I was two or three cities away from where I lived and I couldn't call my mom and say pick me up from a 21 year old house. So I prepared my self mentally for when he came back. He got back and I gave in and we had sex( like I said earlier it's. it the first time I had sex.) so it's not like he took my innocence. But after he told me how special I was and how he never felt like this about anyone. He would hang out with all the time after that day. For about a month. Then he dropped me out of no where. He got to the point where he would only see me for sex and leave. By then I liked him because he treated me like an adult so I kept having sex with him thinking that's how I earn his love. It didn't work and he broke off connection completely after he got a new girl. This destroyed me. I wanted to feel loved again. So I got back on that site and I met with any guy that would give me attention in exchange for sex. Did I know what I was doing yes. By the time my parents found out my body count was at 13. They were devistated. 

 

The aftermath of this is what still makes me cry to this day when I think about it. Knowing no one made me sleep with those guys and none of them were still there. One guy I was with didn't tell me he was with 40-50 other women at the same time as me (and yes some of them were underage with him being 21 in the military) comes to find out I had chlymidia. I remember the night I found out I couldn't sleep and I went to my mom and she held me as I just cried over the damage I had done. I never blamed anyone else for my mistakes. It was my fault that I hated myself. I didn't wanna look at myself in the mirror to know the stuff I had done. I almost couldn't live with it. I took a handful of tramedol one night and went to sleep. I honestly hoped I didn't wake up. Luckily I did. 

My parents put me in therapy and I had to work from bottom up to gain trust and freedom. I went from hating myself to now grateful for the experience I went through. I learned so much from it self worth, my values, my true friends and that my parents have my back. I find it my responsibility to talk to any girl I feel like might be giving into a guy for love or affection just because I can so relate and I'm a real life story of the  results.

I am a complete 180 from how I was 3 years ago but many people don't want to accept that. I have ADULTS judging me for my past. Parents throwing in daughters face my face saying they don't want them around me. Teachers have even said stuff to students bad about me saying "there's organic food, and then there's trash" that's hard to hear. I feel like I'm stuck on a wheel and no matter how hard I try I can not escape my past. No one really knows it though. They just know I has sex with a lot of older guys. That's it and it makes me a dirty girl. That no one wants their daughter around. If anyone listened to me they would know I have changed and grown from my mistakes