Blessings and Heartaches
When I was 13 I was diagnosed with PCOS, or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. To those who don't know, this is a hormonal imbalance caused by increased levels of androgen, a male hormone, in a female. PCOS has many side affects including rapid weight gain, hair growth(yes, that means I grow a beard), acne, very irregular periods, and it is one of the leading causes of infertility in women. There was a chance it would be incredibly difficult for me to conceive naturally, if at all. At 13 this was the worst news I could ever imagine receiving. Yeah, the whole growing a beard faster than a man thing wasn't so great for my image, but my only dream from the time I could walk and talk was to be a mommy. I was devastated.
Fast forward 6 years and now I'm 19. It was a rough 6 years filled with doctor's visits, new medications to maintain my PCOS and also the depression that came along with such an extreme hormonal imbalance, birth control to finally regulate my periods, a loss of 25lbs that took a lot of hard work and dedication to get off and keep off, and even the loss of my virginity at 18(hallelujah I never thought the day would come). I felt great.
November 3rd 2016 I got the surprise of a lifetime.
It was 7 o'clock in the morning. The timer on my phone clicked at 2 minutes. I was nervous. I didn't know why because I'd done this before. "It's going to be negative, Carly, just prepare yourself." It took me more than it had before to reach over and pick up the stick. I closed my eyes, I have no idea why. I took a breath. My palms were sweaty and I didn't know why. I never felt like this, it was always negative, why was I nervous? I couldn't conceive on my own. I opened my eyes and looked down. There was two lines.
I didn't cry, I didn't scream, I didn't worry, I just smiled the biggest smile ever and shook from head to toe in excitement. I was going to be a mommy! I never thought this day would come, I was convinced I would never have kids, yet here I was holding a positive pregnancy test. This baby was not planned, I did not try for it, but it was the biggest blessing I ever could have asked for.
Now, there was no question who the father was, I had only been sleeping with one guy for the past 8 months. Our relationship was complicated; we weren't in an actual relationship, we were just fwb. On my part, our relationship meant so much more to me than just sex. I fell for this guy hard and fast a few months in, he cared for me too, but he wasn't ready for and actual relationship right now, so I did the most logical thing in my mind and told him we could carry on what we always did and there didn't have to be any feelings attached. This was a lie of course, every day I fell more and more in love with this guy, it was the best and worst thing I've ever been through, but I just couldn't stand losing him. I know he knew how I felt, and I could tell he was always careful to try not to hurt me in any way.
I knew a baby was definitely not what he wanted right now, or ever. This boy had been through so many things in his short life that no one ever deserves to go through. He didn't think very much of himself which killed me because to me, he was everything. I had hope that he'd step up and be supportive, and maybe, just maybe a baby was what he needed to get his life on a better track. (I'm a hopeless romantic, don't judge me)
November 8th 2016 I gathered the courage to tell him the news.
"I can't do it. I'm sorry. I'll pay for whatever it needs, but I can't be in it's life."
My heart broke into a million pieces.
I drove him back to his house and before he got out he spoke again:
"I'm just going to let you know I can't do this anymore."
And for the second time in 10 minutes my heart shattered. Not only was my baby going to grow up without a father, but I was losing the person that means so much to me, the one person I needed most right now.
It's been 3 months since that day. I am now 19 weeks 2 days with my miracle. We now see each other regularly again. It took a while for him to talk about the baby but now he always wants to know how it's doing, have I been to the doctor lately, and can I feel it kicking yet. Just the other day he put his hand on my growing stomach for the first time and just help it there for a while. I find out what we're having next Saturday and he even told me he's hoping for a boy. I don't try to ask him about being in the baby's life in fear of pushing him away again. I know it has taken a lot for him to be as accepting as he is, and I am happy knowing he is trying. I never gave up hope that he would come around once the shock wore off, and I will never give up hope of him being active in his child's life, but I am still preparing myself to be a single mother. It has not been easy but I've been through hard battles before. I'm taking it one day at a time. I don't know if he will change his mind when the baby is here or if I really will be raising a child alone, but he tells me all the time that he does care about his child, and I would rather have that than someone that doesn't care at all. I'll never know what the future holds, but no matter what happens, I am truly blessed to be able to call myself a mommy. It has been a hard road already, but I am doing something I never thought I'd be able to do, and that is reason enough to greet every day with a smile.
**Sorry this was long, I just wanted to share my story because I know there are other women out there gearing up to be a single mother, there are women with PCOS fearing they may never conceive, and I'm sure I'm not the first woman to get pregnant by a fwb. Everyone's story is different, but I just want everyone out there who may relate to mine in any way that you are not alone. Everything happens for a reason.
My little bean at 12wks 4days. I'm so excited to find out what you are on the 18th.❤