giving birth saved me

Since giving birth to my beautiful boy Jacob on the 13th January my heart has fully been taken up by his love. It's true when people say you don't know what love is until you are holding your baby and it's true.

For months I've struggled to let my husband go, regardless of him being abusive .. it's like in my head I couldn't get my head around how someone could change the way he did and be so cruel to someone so nice such as myself, it just didnt make sense. 

Endless nights of crying and worrying and beating myself up over how it didn't work out , and for what ? 

He didn't care how I was feeling , he didn't feel guilt for the things he said or did. To him it was just a massive inconvenience that I actually left him, leaving his ego bruised as he saw himself as this superior man that no girl could possibly live without. Well I proved to him that he isn't this amazing man and still he never takes responsibility for his actions. All I wanted was for him to confess but mostly apologise for the way he treated me because otherwise I didn't have that closure. It is now obvious that he is so deluded that he will never admit nor apologise for what he's done because in his own head he thinks it was acceptable. He gave reasoning behind the cruel things he would say to me, I'd constantly be to blame for it for supposedly stressing him out when in reality I did nothing different to what I did before we married. 

Despite the months of torment and mind games and my heart repeatedly being broken over and over again, with my stupidity drawing me back. I can safely say I'm glad it's over! I'm glad that I have officially stopped all contact and it's been weeks now since I've heard from him.

Giving birth has really matured me and mostly it's filled my broken heart with pure love. I couldn't be happier or feel more love than I do for my son right now, he has made me see life differently that there is a beautiful side to it and not to hang onto something which isn't there.

My husband isn't deserving of my love or anything anymore, he deserves to be alone so he can't make another woman fall victim of his games and abuse.

Goodbye to my abuser & hello to my baby boy 💜