I am a first time mom and my beautiful son is already a month old! Even before we started ttc, I always knew I wanted to exclusively breastfeed. Being that I have a full time and demanding job, I knew I'd have to settle for pumping at some point to continue breast milk while I'm at work. 

The day my precious boy was born he took to breastfeeding like a champ; excellent latch and perfect suck. However once we got home, I began to suffer from severe anxiety. I am an anxious person but this has been irrational and uncontrollable. Then, baby stated to act like he couldn't ever get full and was eating all the time. I loved the bonding, but I felt like a prisoner. I was suffering alone all night and all day because  I was the only one with his food source. I never slept, I at maximum would get 1-3 hours a night.. on a good night. On average, id get less than an hour. Then it was the same during the day. I had tried pumping to get help with feeds, but with him eating all the time I could only get time to pump maybe 1-2x each day and only get 1-2oz. not enough to feed him. Plus, he was extremely fussy and gassy and in constant pain. 

So, for my mental health, I decided to talk to his pediatrician yesterday and decided to switch to formula. This sent me into numerous panic attacks and I still cry when I give him a bottle. However, he has transformed into a complete different baby. He slept for the first time last night and I even got a nap today! He has been so much more content and less fussy. Hardly any gas and doesn't scream in pain. I feel so happy he is doing better.

Now, I feel like a failure. I feel like i selfishly chose to not breast feed and that I'm depriving my son of something he needs. So today I've continued to pump when he takes a bottle. However I don't know how or when I'm going to get to use it for him especially when the formula is doing great. I am so torn about this still even though he's happy and better. I miss that bond and I feel like now he doesn't need me, like I'm less important to him. I really could use some support. If anyone had taken time to finish and read this, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. I sit here in tears trying to stop this anxiety and worry without success. 

**********************************************. UPDATE: so baby boy is doing so well with the transition and I am too! Once we found a formula he liked, it's been so much easier and he's so much happier! Also, last night was night 3/3 with 5-6 hours of sleep straight! Wake up for feeds and then back out! Plus last night he was in bed by 9:20! That's miraculous considering the last 4 weeks! Thank you ladies for your encouragement & support! I never expected such uplifting comments and positivity on such a controversial topic! Thank you ladies, I can't say that enough! 😘